My Left Nerve

And ... Two months go by...

2011-10-27T07:55:00.006-05:00

"What?"

Here's the deal... I AM SO FREAKING-FRACKING CRAZY OVERWHELMED! GAH. Okay... now that I got that off my chest, with a serious case of CAPSLOCK FEVER. I feel much better.

I'm teaching nearly a full course load this semester (not quite), have the running around to do for a three and a half year old (seriously ... he's that big), the trying to walk and eating EVERYTHING off the floor 9 month old, and just struggling.

But -- next semester, I'm teaching just one class, and it's online. Nathan will be in preschool for two days a week. And, my fussy baby will hopefully be a much better adjusted 1 year old. I can't even freaking believe that either.

So, that makes me thing and hope that I can get back on the blogging bandwagon. I'm fairly certain that I'm going to start something new, for this new phase of life, or something. And, I've got a couple ideas in the works. I miss you and all hope to get up and running soon. I miss blogging and I would so love a reason to go to BlogHer next year. :)

And Another Month

2011-08-18T21:21:00.003-05:00

Okay, for those of you who are still hanging around this silent part of the interwebs, my baby will be seven months old tomorrow. Seven. WTH?

We've been a little bit insane around here. Nathan has had a cold every three weeks this summer. Since it takes him 10-14 days to get through his system, he's only healthy one week per month. It sorta sucks. But, he's okay.

Daniel learned to crawl in late June. Shortly after that, he started pulling himself up. There is a great deal of head trauma at our house. It's okay though.

I start teaching again next week. This semester I will have two classes. I'm excited, but stressed, because they're both new classes. I have four days left, and several weeks' worth of work to complete. Meanwhile, I still have those little boys.

Joe has been really swamped at work lately, so he decided to take a long weekend this weekend. We're enjoying the staycation. We spent today in Millennium Park. Nathan loved it. Daniel loved the mirrors at the little cafe we ate at. Good times had by all.

Can you see his runny nose in this picture? Poor kid.

It was all entirely too exciting for Daniel.

Cloud Gate ---- aka The Bean

Splashing in the awesome fountains!

Adorable baby making friends with the adorable baby in the mirror!

A Whole Month

2011-07-22T08:28:00.005-05:00

Yeah ... It's been a whole month since I've written an amazing, scintillating, thrilling, whatever-will-come-next?? blog post. Hah...

I've been trying to figure out what we've been doing. It looks sorta like this: playing in the city, hanging with dada, the zoo with friends, learning to crawl (at 5 months, SWEAR TO GOD!), and splashing around. It's been a little busy.

Little Boys

2011-06-21T09:22:00.004-05:00

As crazy as things are, these little people still make it easy to get up in the morning.

This little one's hair is SO DARNED crazy. I just let it go. I think it's part of who he is. Also, do I have room to talk?

I'm so amazing 1) that five months has passed already, and 2) how different Daniel is than Nathan was at this age. Mostly, he sleeps and he's way fussier. But also, he's still pretty fussy. Also, you guys, I swear this is true: The kid is crawling. He's going backward, but he's up on all fours! He just turned five months on Sunday. I'm posting a video later this week. Nathan walked fairly early - around 10 months. So, I feel like we're sort of prepared.

Anyway, we're madly in love over here.

A Father's Day

2011-06-20T11:38:00.004-05:00

I keep thinking how lax I am ... just in general, but blogging specifically. I used to write glowing, flowery love letter to Joe on my blog on both his birthday and father's day... I totally dropped the ball this year. Except...

This year we were celebrating Father's Day being parents together. We had brunch with his parents on Saturday and spent yesterday at home being a family. Our kids are at the ages where it sucks to take them in public where Nathan can't run around. Or, anywhere Daniel can't readily nurse. (I'm totally that unapologetic public breastfeeder. I use a nursing cover, but still... UNAPOLOGETIC!)

I'm ridiculously crazy about my husband, and watching him with our kids makes me appreciate him more every day. I can't believe how well he's adapted to the crazy that is our life. As insane as his life has been, he's always able to stop and change a diaper, run Nathan around the block, or read a bedtime story.

I don't have much lovely prose to write - I don't have the brainpower to think it - but I'm just really happy and really blessed with this guy.

I hope the rest of you had a lovely day with the fathers in your life.

Baby Myles

2011-06-15T08:30:00.002-05:00

I won't be able to post a picture, but our nephew arrived safely yesterday at 10:38 am. He weighed in at 7 lbs/14 oz and is 20.5 inches long. Almost exactly the same size as his big cousin, Nathan (he was 8 lbs/1 oz, but 7-9 days overdue!).

We haven't gotten to talk to the new mom and dad yet, nor have we seen pictures. We're just grateful for a safe delivery!

Baby Nephew

2011-06-14T08:33:00.001-05:00

Joe's brother's wife is in labor! Our little nephew will be here soon!!!

Both of our families are so boy-heavy. Joe's one of two boys. I have three older brothers. Of the grandkids on my side of the family, including my two boys, there are five boys and one girl. The girl is the oldest and she's 29. Now, Joe's family will have three boys! I'm loving it, but it would be nice to buy something pink at some point. ;-)

Baby Whispering

2011-06-14T08:25:00.004-05:00

So, my littler guy is a fussy baby. He's not colicky or anything like that. He's just, um, fussy. It's getting better, that's for sure, but don't put the kid in his car seat, or in the swing, or put him down! MY GOD! DON'T PUT HIM DOWN.

Did I mention that about two months ago, he cried so hard that he burst a blood vessel in his eye? That was on a very short trip in the car. I had to drive... I had to get home... Babies have to be in car seats!

I've tried wearing him in the Baby Bjorn and in the Moby Wrap. He vehemently objected to both. Vehemently. I've recently ordered another wrap to try (I had a coupon, making it ridiculously cheap). So, we'll get on that in the next few days.

Nathan was a much easier baby to soothe. Part of it, I'm sure, was his affinity for the pacifier. Daniel prefers nursing and being held. This would be great if I didn't have another child.

Also of note (probably only to me) is that this child was sleeping through the night at 4/5 weeks, consistently. I should say, he slept from about 10/11 pm to about 6 am. So, not the 12 hours that you'd like to see, but I thought it was awesome. Nathan, the angel baby, still doesn't sleep 12 hours... or even 10. On a good night, it's 8. Anyway, around 2 and a half months, just after he was released from the hospital, he started working on a tooth (which he's still working on). Since then, he's been waking up a couple times a night. It's gotten particularly bad since it gets daylight so early. Now, he'll go down between 9 and 10 pm, and then wake up around 3 and 5 and 6. I believe the latter two are daylight-related, but we still haven't done anything about that. Because we're dumb.

I just don't have the temperament to try CIO, especially with a high-needs baby, because it probably won't even work. Really though, it's not my thing. But, I am going to try to move him from the pack-n-play right by our bed, to the crib one the other end of our room - away from the window! We'll see if this has any impact.

Since I've got a zero success rate, I'm totally open to suggestions.

Drowning

2011-06-13T08:05:00.003-05:00

Omigosh, y'all. I am completely swamped and in the weeds and drowning ... and whatever other metaphor you can think of to describe "HELP! I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN!!"

This being back to work full-time (and still taking work home with me) with a 3 year old and a 4 month old is hard enough. I mean, I am not the best manager of time as it is, but add a poky preschooler who never wants to leave the house, and an infant who spits up all over heck the second you put on a new outfit to the mix, and I have no ability to leave the house in a timely manner. Then there's the 8 million things I'm doing for my class. Then there's the preparation for my fall class (still gotta read that book and turn in a syllabus!). And then there are the things that are just not getting done at home. Oh, did I mention that we'll be house-sitting for my in-laws for ten days? Seriously... I know most of you folks would be able to handle this blindfolded, but me? Well, I'm just going to sit around and fuss and complain, and maybe spit up on my shirt. No, wait.

But seriously, folks... time management. It seems that these are skills that we have ingrained in us at a young age, or we don't. I don't. I've borrowed countless time management books from the library. The problem? You have to find time to read them! I keep thinking, "Oh, yeah. I'll do that when I'm nursing Daniel for the last time at night." Erm...

So, what are your tricks and tactics? Mostly, I just want to get my head above water. :)

Embracing the Crazy

2011-06-06T09:39:00.002-05:00

Our lives are so nuts right now. So. I'm teaching part-time, working in the office part-time, working from home part-time, and I have a 3 year old and a four month old. Joe is preparing for his dissertation defense and also working full-time. Rumor has it, he has a wife and two kids as well.

WE ARE NUTS.

This weekend, we decided to say FORGEDDABOUTIT. On Friday, we went to the lakefront and let Nathan run around like a loon. Can you see the crazy in his eyes? Or is the crazy of the hair behind him overpowering the picture? Cute boys, though. Right?

On Saturday, I scheduled an awesome playdate for Nathan and his BFF, a little girl he's gone to daycare with since he was five months old. She was actually at the new daycare when we switched in November. We went to our local park, which has an awesome water feature, and played and played and played. Nathan fell asleep at 7:00 that night.

Yesterday, we played tourist and went downtown. We took a water taxi on the Chicago River, walked along Michigan Avenue, ate lunch at a downtown cafe, and then took the water taxi back to the West Loop. Seriously, the best $8 we've ever spent. If you get to Chicago when the weather is comfortable, do this. It was a lot of fun. The water taxi is more for transportation than the tour boats. It goes from the west loop to Chinatown, with a few stops along the way.

It was a weekend of refreshment that I so needed. What did you do?

Quick Notes and a Thank You

2011-06-02T09:13:00.004-05:00

So, as of yesterday, I returned to work. It's a temporary arrangement that's mutually beneficial. My friend, who was hired to replace me, has to have surgery. So, my employer has hired me temporarily to do my old job. Fortunately, they're paying me what my replacement makes (quite a bit more than I was making!).

Right now, my boys are with Joe's parents, which is good. They're comfortable with them and it gives my in-laws a chance to bond with Daniel. Also, it's free! The bad side is that my in-laws are getting up there in years. Joe's dad will be 70 this fall and Joe's mom is still going through treatment for breast cancer. To ease their burden a bit, my mom is going to be coming up here every other week.

But, because nothing is easy, my dad had hip replacement surgery this morning. So my mom is helping him out. But, she hopes to be up here in two weeks.

It's a little sad that I'm relieved. I think this time out of the house will give me some perspective, and remind me of how much I do have to be grateful for. I want to thank all of you for responding so kindly to my post yesterday. It's embarrassing enough that I should delete it. I was obviously feeling quite low. I know things will get better.

That Mom

2011-06-01T15:29:00.002-05:00

I have no control of my three year old. I really don't. In so many ways, he's the best kid in the world, in other ways, he's not. He doesn't listen to me. He's very angry with me about this baby who decided to invade our house! Mostly, he's having a hard time with the million changes in his life over the past five months or so.

A few days ago, I took the boys to the pediatrician for Daniel's 4-month well check up (FOUR MONTHS!). Nathan was NUTS. He ran from the room twice, laughing maniacally all the way. I couldn't even communicate with the doctor, because if I stopped paying attention to him, he'd do something. It was so frustrating.

When we left the office, everyone was looking at me with pity.

Later that day, I took the boys to the park just a few blocks from us. Once we got there, Nathan decided he didn't want to be there. I forcibly removed him from the car. He played for a little while, and then decided to play in the water fountain, because he's a three year old boy. After he was crazy drenched, I decided it was time to go home. Nathan disagreed and was completely uncooperative. Daniel decided to melt down at that time too. So, I'm dragging a little boy and pushing an hysterical baby in the stroller. This woman getting into her car rocked Daniel in the stroller while I strapped Nathan into the car, a ridiculously long process. After I got everything put together, the woman looked at me with something more than pity. I think it was a little disgust.

Sometimes I think about what my dad keeps saying: I had no idea what I was in for by having (God forbid) two kids. Sometimes I think I ruined Nathan's life. But this baby. He's so wonderful. I know that Nathan loves him too. It's just hard right now. I've got to muddle through the judgment that I'm receiving. I've got to deal with my horrible impatient heart. I know that Nathan is a good boy, but it's just a rough time.

I'm that mom who has the little boy who acts like a little boy going through a tough time. I'm that mom whose infant cries a lot. I'm that mom who is a little impatient (a lot actually) and isn't always proud of what I say to my child. I'm that mom. The real one.

I Try, I Really Try.

2011-05-20T08:51:00.003-05:00

Just so you know - or just so I know - I try to blog almost every day. I just can't seem to pry myself away from these two crazy little people. Not that blogging is more important, but it is cathartic. Sometimes, I think I need it.

My parents are on their way to my house and it's supposed to be a nice weekend. Have a great one. Back in a bit.

Easter

2011-04-26T15:10:00.004-05:00

Holidays are strange for us. There's no marrying of them between our families. My family is a little estranged right now, and so we rarely do any sort of holiday festivities with them. Joe's family is tiny, so the holiday functions are always very low key and just nice. So nice.

We had Easter at Joe's cousin's house. Our kids are the only little ones in the family, so for the two years, the Easter egg hunts have been centered around Nathan. He certainly didn't mind.

This was the first time that anyone in Joe's family, aside from his parents, met Daniel. Between SNOMAGEDDON and the RSV adventure, no one had seen him yet. So, it was a nice way to introduce him.

Below is a picture of Joe's mom with Daniel. Doesn't she look great? She's done with chemo and on to radiation. She's wearing a wig, but her hair is coming back. She said she's hoping for curls like the little monkey has.

It's a new week of being a SAHM and it's definitely getting better. Thank you all for the encouragement.

I'll Get Back to You

2011-04-15T20:32:00.002-05:00

... but, here are some pictures.

Strategies, Part I

2011-03-30T06:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, you parents of toddlers/preschoolers. I have a few questions for you. Basically, they're "how do you do it?" questions. If you've got any wisdom, I certainly would appreciate it!

How many times a day to you clean up the toys, crayons, craft stuff, chaos? Most days, when Joe gets home, it looks like Tropical Storm Nathan swept through three or four times.
Those of you who work from home... How do you put aside the time to prepare? I am taking this semester off, but will be teaching in the summer. I'm completely developing my class, so I need to get started ASAP. What do you do to carve out the time needed? Do you just wait until your husbands are home?
Showering. I know this sounds so simple, but is it? I have this ridiculously thick hair, that is currently fairly long. If I shower at night, 1987 calls and asks for its hair back. Plus, I feel better if I shower in the morning. Unfortunately, if I showered before Nathan was up... well, I just can't predict when that will be. Do you guys trust your older children with your younger ones? I'd just bring the baby with me, but Nathan is definitely acting out to the point where I can't leave him alone for even a few moments.
Leaving the house. Were any of you intimidated by taking both children places? We didn't go many places for the first six weeks, because Daniel was born in the heart of cold and flu season. But now, I know I have to get out of the house. And more importantly, Nathan needs out of the house. Did any of you have that anxiety? If so, how did you cope?

I was going to try to round this out with 5 questions, but this is a good start.

I am sorry

2011-03-29T10:12:00.002-05:00

The tone of self-pity around here is a bit embarrassing. I guess what's worse than "sharing" this (to me) is not really having anyone around here to talk to about it. Most people fear being judged. I know I do. I'm already getting a lot of it because I can't seem to handle two kids (my dad! People! He's SO unsympathetic with his "I warned her how difficult two kids would be. And, she should be working!!")

But really... Last week's experience gave me more than heart palpitations. I really left the hospital with a lot of feelings of gratitude. Not just for my family's overall health, but for those of you who were kind enough to reach out to me during that time. A time that was a bit scary for me.

So, I'm sorry for being whiny, sad, scared, an idiot... whatever. But, I'm thankful for you.

The Saddest Place on Earth

2011-03-28T13:28:00.000-05:00

Wow... has it really been a month since I published my "poor, poor me" treatise? Wow. Well... here comes some more!

About ten days ago, I was at my absolute wits end with my elder child. I love this little person more than I thought humanly possible, but really, does he have to do everything he shouldn't when I'm changing the baby's diaper, or nursing him, or (God forbid) going to the bathroom. After the one hundredth time of jumping on his train table while shouting "LOOK AT ME, MOMMY!" I took it apart. I mean, he wasn't going to not jump on it, so I had to do something. Then, I removed everything else I could from his room. There's currently a dresser with a changing table top, a bed, and an end table where the lamp and piggy bank sit. I was a bundle of nerves when Joe got home.

On most Thursdays, Joe's parents take Nathan. Now that I'm not at work, it's ridiculously inconvenient for everyone involved, but it gives Nathan good attention and it gives me a break. So, yay. The next day was Thursday.

That night, Nathan came home completely lethargic and running a fever of 102.9. I was up with him all night, because of course I was, and also with the newborn. The next morning, I called his pediatrician's office and they said not to worry about it, until he'd been feverish for three days. I mentioned that Daniel had his 2 month check up that day and could they possibly schedule Nathan for a sick appointment that day? Basically, they made me feel silly for wanting to bring him in and I let it slide. This is the one and only negative experience I've had with my pediatricians office. I love them.

So, I took the boys in for Daniel's appointment. He was fine, but I mentioned at least 8 times that Nathan was sick with a fever and that Daniel seemed more snuffly than usual. The doctor warned me that Daniel was likely to get more colds than Nathan, since Nathan would be bringing stuff home to him. That was that. We basically tried to keep Nathan comfortable that night. But, he was really sick, just no fever.

The next morning (Saturday), Daniel woke up fussier than usual. Nathan was still pretty miserable. On Sunday, Daniel was quite obviously sick. His nose was congested and he had a hard time nursing, and his normal screaminess was about ten-fold. I'll let that sink in. And poor Nathan was still coughing up his liver. It really sucked. Joe kept claiming he was getting sick too. The heat of my glare may have staved that off for a while. Up to this point, my sleeping sucked. But once Nathan got sick, I was probably sleeping less than 3 hours a night. Seriously, anxiety much?

I dealt with two sick kids by myself on Monday. (I don't know how you real people do it! Seriously, I was a mess with just two and those of you with three or more? Wow. I stand in awe.) Joe's parents offered to take Nathan on Tuesday if he was feeling better. Woo!

Monday night, going into Tuesday morning, I woke up when the baby had a coughing fit. He felt a little warm, but not too concerning. I snuggled with him and fell back to sleep. About 3 am, I woke up to him burning up. ER here I come!!! We went to the ER at Children's Memorial Hospital and he was quickly triaged. The nurse who saw him monitored him for a while and suctioned his nose and throat, trying to get him to breathe a little better. The pediatrician said there was nothing they could do, because it was just a bad cold. But, once we got home, I should suction him a couple times a day and steam him in the bathroom too. No problem .. with that three year old DEMON in the house. We got home around 6:30 am, I took Nathan to Joe's dad at 8 am and hoped to have the rest of the day to nap.

Around noon, I noticed Daniel's breathing had gotten much worse. It was much more labored, and he was having a longer time recovering from the coughing fits. I called his pediatrician's office, hoping to get seen that day. Instead, they called me back 3 hours later and told me to go back to the ER.

We got there around 4:30. At 6, the doctor who had seen us told us she'd like to admit us overnight for observation. (I keep saying "us" because someone had to be with him.) We got to the medical observation unit (a halfway house of sorts) around 10. It was ten feet away from the emergency department.

That first night, I didn't sleep at all. Daniel's O2 levels kept dropping while he slept, so they gave him a breathing treatment and then put him on oxygen. I was so sad to see him like that, but truly relieved that we were at the best place for him and that he wasn't as sick as so many other children there.

Every morning, the doctors who saw him thought he looked a lot better, but by evening, he was again failing to maintain his oxygen levels. So, after four days, they let us go home. It was so freaking stressful, and I barely slept. Thankfully, Joe's parents had Nathan and were able to keep him the whole time.

We've been home since Friday morning. We're adjusting. Nathan isn't sleeping. Daniel is, but more during the day than at night. And my mama ears are on high alert. Every cough wakes me up.

Again, I'm grateful for Children's Memorial - what an amazing place. But man, is it a sad place. During our second visit to the ER, a small boy came into triage behind us. He was the victim of a sexual assault. I saw another small child with some sort of severely debilitating disease. Just sad.

We're lucky. We're blessed.

Slow Transition

2011-02-25T17:17:00.011-06:00

I'm struggling. Man, am I struggling. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

I only have two friends who are stay at home moms. I find them both pretty amazing. They seem to have it together. Their kids are happy and well-adjusted. They volunteer at school functions. Their houses are clean. Every time I talk to them or see them, they've showered that day. Are these wins or what?

Where was I going? Oh, right. When I had Nathan, I grieved that I'd be sending him to daycare as an infant. I know for some people this isn't a difficult choice. And for others, it's not a choice at all, but a necessity - as it was for us. I had secretly hoped, for a long time, that I'd be a stay at home mom to my kids. Joe and I, well, we're just not that solvent, and my student loans are way too big. And man, Chicago is expensive! So, I worked and Nathan was in daycare full-time. It was the way things were and we all got used to it.

When I got pregnant the second time, we knew that I would be staying at home. It was both where my heart was and the best financial decision for my family. My part-time instructor position at a local university has helped us make this possible. Every day I looked forward to it. The last few weeks I took Nathan to daycare, I excitedly talked to him about how he'd be home with mama and the baby.

Then the day arrived.

I had forgotten how difficult the period of hibernation was in January and February. We were firm about four weeks inside since we're in the heart of cold and flu season. Of course, the first outing we took with both boys, besides the doctor, resulted in Nathan bringing home a cold.

I hadn't truly calculated how much Nathan would have cabin fever. He's been in daycare since he was just a few months old. And while he didn't always want to go, he was used to going, He misses his friends.

I hadn't realized how much worse the sleep deprivation would be when you have a newborn added to a poorly sleeping toddler. People, I'm barely functioning and I really understand how sleep deprivation is a torture technique.

I have made comments on the Facebook and to both my mom and Joe's mom about my inability to sleep. The consensus is that I wanted children and now I just need to suck it up. I don't disagree, the lack of empathy is a bit shocking. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope. I just want to get through a day without screaming at my toddler. I think the only real solution is to sleep. So, when I go for my check-up next week, I'm going to ask about sleep aids. I'm that person who hates taking medication of any sort. At this point, I don't have a choice. Poor Nathan.

I wonder if I'm revealing too much. I feel like it's safe to admit this stuff because better days are around the corner. Daniel is five weeks old, so we can get out a little more. The weather will be breaking soon, so we can start walking and going more places. I will get to sleep someday. Nathan will forgive me for this transition time.

Heart Matters

2011-02-24T05:32:00.007-06:00

My boys, with their ridiculouly close birthdays, went to the doctor last week. Daniel had his one month check-up, and Nathan had his 3 year check-up. The big one with the amazing blue eyes is 75th percentile across the board, weighing in at 34 pounds. I'm not sure where he puts it because all of his 3T clothes fall off of his body. Also, he eats nothing. One day last week, he had half a piece of turkey sausage and some whipped cream. That's it. All day. He's awesome.

The little one with all the crazy hair landed just below the 50th percentile for height, weight, and head circumference. He weighs 10 pounds. This is so shocking to me, because he and Nathan were just four ounces apart in their birth weights, and Nathan didn't get back up to his (8 lbs 1 oz) until he was six weeks old. Way to go, Danny Boy!

While the doctor was examining Daniel, I noticed that the usual ten seconds of listening to his heart was taking way longer than normal. I played with Nathan while my mind raced. After a while (three or four minutes) the doctor said that she detected a heart murmur. My stomach sank. I'd heard of them, but didn't really know what they were. And honestly, who wants to hear anything abnormal about your four week old, especially something with the heart?

The doctor calmly explained that this is a condition that can frequently appear in infants, and most often is nothing to worry about. But, we needed to schedule an echocardiogram at Children's Memorial just in case. We set up the ultrasound for Monday.

I called Joe just before we left the doctor's office and he gently reminded me that he had a heart murmur and it had never limited him in any way. I was still scared and twitchy.

This is where I should say that my heart goes out to families whose children struggle with illness. This was simply unexpected and I'm ignorant.

Monday rolled around and it seemed like the time was flying by. Joe and the day off and we had initially planned on taking the boys to the Children's Museum at Navy Pier, but we couldn't fit it in before our appointment. So, we puttered around most of the day, then dropped Nathan off with a friend before going to the hospital.

The test itself lasted an hour and Daniel was a champ. He nursed off and on throughout the test (I cannot tell you how many people have seen my boobs in the past month!), making him less screamy than normal. The echo tech didn't tell us anything one way or the other, which only made me more nervous. After we finished, I said repeatedly to Joe, "He's going to be okay, right?" He kept assuring me that he was.

Thankfully, before I drove myself completely crazy, our pediatrician called at 8:00 Monday night. She apologized (can you believe it?!) for calling so late, but wanted to let us know that everything was fine. The heart murmur should have no impact on Daniel's life in any way.

I'm so grateful. I do feel partly stupid for getting all worked up, but really ... I'm just thankful. I'm so so so glad that this tiny little gift is totally okay. I firmly believe that you don't really know what fear is until you become a parent. If we all thought about all the bad things that could happen to our kids, we'd be basketcases. I'm glad my crazy only lasted for a few days.

Quick Pics

2011-02-23T07:37:00.004-06:00

Hearts and Flowers

2011-02-14T14:49:00.005-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all! (I've been watching a little too much Paula Deen.) I'm currently celebrating in silence. Both children, for the first time in 3 1/2 weeks, are napping at the same time. I'm in heaven... if only I was napping too.

Joe and I "went out" this weekend for Valentine's Day. His parents were kind enough to take both boys while we went to Olive Garden. Is that lame or what? I happen to love Olive Garden, but am sort of embarrassed by it, because we live in a city with amazing Italian food. In fact, I lived in Little Italy for the first three years I was here. Yet, Olive Garden. I have no explanations.

Our outing was really rained on when we heard of Joe's best friend's aunt having passed away. That probably sounds like too many degrees of separation to really matter, but Joe and O have been friends for 20 years and O's family is like his own. I'd know this beautiful woman for ten years and am just heartbroken. She was seriously one of the kindest people I've ever met. Hospitality was certainly her gift, and I don't know what her love language was, but she showed love to everyone she'd ever met. About a year and a half ago, she had an aneurysm and she'd made a full recovery. She had another one last week, and went in for surgery. She wasn't so lucky this time. Her family sent out the most beautiful and heartbreaking email I've ever read.

"Our beloved [Sue] was lifted on the wings of angels to Heaven today. Surrounded by her family that loved her and the thoughts and prayers of so many other family and friends; in the end God's plan for Sue called for her physical presence to leave us but her spirit is embedded in our hearts forever and in the hearts of all the people whose lives she touched."

I'm crying reading it for the tenth time.

Joe hasn't been quite the same since we found out. I think part of it is that he's still very afraid for his mom in her cancer battle. Another thing, I think, is the worry that someday, something may happen to one of us. What does that loss do to the one left behind? And now, we have these two precious little boys who depend on us so completely. But me? I can't worry about that. I can only love the three of them today like it's my last. That's how I roll.

Hug your loved ones a little tighter today. And really, celebrate that love, because it is the greatest of these.

Memories

2011-02-10T13:56:00.005-06:00

I should title this "memories I should remember but don't really remember because of all the drugs, omigah!" But, that's a little long.

This was me, the day after Nathan was born. MY GOSH, how perfect was that child? That's what you look like when you're a week-plus overdue and you have no birth trauma. But, mama, that's what she looks like with a c-section and subsequent DRUGS! I also didn't realize this until we got home from the hospital, but as you can see in the picture, I developed a rash on my face at some point. It might have been from the medication. Who knows? It showed up in ALL the pictures. So pretty.

This next picture was me with Daniel ... he was about 2 weeks old in this photo. Somehow, despite the lack of pain medication, I look more delirious in this picture. No rash this time, but my skin somehow looks worse. And those dark circles have had three years worth of growth, so they're eating my entire face.

This little one... he's pretty perfect too. Only one day overcooked, and had a bit of birth trauma. But still, he's a lot of awesome.

SnOMG

2011-02-03T14:20:00.001-06:00

I haven't been outside since last Friday, but Joe took Nathan out to enjoy the snowmageddon on Wednesday. He had a great time. I mean, really, what's more fun to a three year old than several feet of snow drifts? NOT MUCH, I tell you.

He crazily didn't seem to mind the cold. It was pretty cold too. But this kid? He'll lie down and make a snow angel at any opportunity... snow pants or not.

And, hey... Let's build a snowman! Why not?

Joe said that he wasn't so into the sled, but enjoyed pulling it himself, and falling down about a dozen times.

Nathan's favorite part? Shoveling! We bought a ridiculously expensive kid-sized shovel from a local toy store a few weeks ago. He was "helping" Joe shovel the walk, and then dumping the snow on himself. Why can't we all be this easily entertained?

I'm so glad my big boy got to enjoy the snow. The little screamer and I were holed up, cluster nursing. But, that's another post for another day. I hope all of you Chicagoans got to enjoy the Snonami a little bit. And I pray that none of you were stuck on Lake Shore Drive.

Briefly, About Work

2011-01-26T08:08:00.003-06:00

So, I figured something out in my insomniac state... I really had started to define myself by my job. I'm only a week into my maternity leave and I feel like I'm forgetting to do something or letting people down. It's starting to frustrate me.

I know that my family has always been my priority, no matter how much I loved my job. Now? I have these two special little people to take care of, and I can't get work off my mind.

Let go, man... Let go.

Three

2011-01-25T23:07:00.002-06:00

Nathan Jacob...

A friend said to me once that your child is like your heart walking around outside of your body. I'm not sure where she got that, but it's so true. You are this miraculous little person, someone I'm sure on a daily basis that I don't deserve. But, my goodness, I adore you.

There are so many parts of you that I'm certain are me: Your nose, your cheeks, your smile, your gigantic heart (okay, that could be your dad too!). It's weird to be that person who always doubted their worth, but seeing and loving the same things in another human being. Thank you for that, little man. You make me feel worth it, because you're just so amazing.

You're a lot your father too. Oh, Nathan, we're so blessed to have this man in our lives. He's everything. I know that he's going to teach you what it really means to be a man. How to be strong, but have a heart that sees the best in people. How to value your family. How to treat women. Take notes, because I'm certain there's not a better teacher out there.

But you, little guy, have a lot figured out already. You're so sweet and gentle and forgiving. I'm so proud of that. I envision you growing up to be that man who stands up for what's right, whether or not it's popular. I see you as a person whose joy shines from within. I hope for you that you'll someday know the love that you've brought into our lives.

Happy birthday, Nathan. These past three years have been more than worth all the sleep-deprivation, the stretch marks, the dark circles, and the stress. I'm ridiculously grateful for you every single day.

Love,
Mama

It's a Boy! Again!

2011-01-23T18:16:00.011-06:00

Hi! Well, my life crazily changed about 4 days ago. Remember when I went to the doctor at 39 weeks 3 days? Nothing continued to happen all weekend. Monday was Martin Luther King holiday and I had another doctor appointment on Tuesday, my due date. I got there and saw my OB. He was really disappointed to see that I was no more dilated, not at all effaced, and the baby hadn't dropped. He officially put me on the c-section schedule, but still gave me another week. I was also scheduled for the nonstress test on 1/25, Nathan's birthday. If you can remember back that far, God knows I barely can, I had my nonstress test with Nathan on 1/25, and delivered him, via c-section, that night. I was convinced these two littles would have the same birthday and never EVER forgive Joe and me.

Tuesday night, I went to bed around 11:00. Nathan had a bit of a rough night, so he ended up in bed with Joe and me. Not a lot of fun. Around 1 am, I woke up with real contractions. I had downloaded a contraction timer on my iPod earlier that day and began to time them. They were about five minutes apart and not super intense. I called the on-call doctor and she told me to take a shower or a bath and just relax for a while, until they got closer together.

About 3:00, I woke up Joe, telling him he had to call his dad because my contractions were about 3 and a half minutes apart and getting more intense. I was pretty proud of myself for laboring at home for this long, but what the heck did I know. Joe's dad arrived from the suburbs around 4:00 and we left for the hospital. When we got there, they sent me to triage and I was monitored for about half hour. I was already dilated to six at that point, so they admitted me.

We went upstairs to labor and delivery where I made it clear that I wanted an epidural. I was still worried about having a c-section, so I thought it best I get some good drugs now! I finally got that epidural around 6:30-6:45, I was dilated at an 8 or a 9 by then.

This is where I give SO MUCH credit to those of you who have had natural childbirth. Seriously... that stupid epidural. The nurses were like, "You should just feel pressure, not pain." So, I'm not a wimp, not at all... but, through most of the contractions, my pain was like a 7 and then, omigosh, it spiked to a 37.

But after twelve-plus hours of labor (easy, right?) and less than two hours of pushing, I met this guy. You guys... I don't have the words, except to say that after a c-section, this birth was amazing, spiritual, magical... beyond my measly ability to express myself.

This precious bundle, Daniel John, was born at 1:44 pm on January 19th. Strangely enough, that was Nathan's due date three years prior. He weighed 8 lbs and 5 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. His hair is this dirty blonde color and has no intention of conforming to any sort of fashionable look. And his cheeks are a direct copy of mine.

We're home and adjusting, My sad little toddler, well, he's figuring things out. But we'll be fine. This life, this family, is what we've been praying for.

Four Days

2011-01-14T10:52:00.003-06:00

When I went to the doctor last week, he was less optimistic than before about my chances of a regular delivery. At 38 weeks, 2 days, the baby was still sitting high, my cervix was closed, I wasn't contracting. My doctor said that we'll hope for progress through 41 weeks, but we should go ahead and get me on the schedule for a c-section. Because my 41st week begins on Nathan's birthday (1/25), I asked for the 26th, 27th or 28th. So, we all know that I will have a baby before February. Thank goodness.

When I went back to the doctor yesterday, the doctor I saw was reading my chart and looked a little disheartened. And then. She examined me. I was 1 cm dilated, I'd been contracting off and on all day, and the baby finally dropped! Yay, Jelly Bean! The doctor was so much more optimistic.

Since about 4 am, I've been having three or four contraction an hour, which is about 100 times more than I was having before. I have a good feeling the baby will be here before the weekend's over.

The Other Chuck-E-Cheese

2011-01-06T08:58:00.006-06:00

The worst thing about winter, to me, is that it gets dark at 2:00 pm. Okay, not really, but seriously, 4:30. So, by the time we get home from work, we can't take Nathan to the park or do anything outside. This has been a problem for us since he started his new daycare. At the old place, the husband would take the oldest two boys to the park, the library or an indoor gym every day. For an active 2 1/2 year old, this was so necessary. At his new daycare, which is wonderful, they stay inside (because it's winter in Chicago) and do more organized activities, like crafts. When we get Nathan home, he's insane! He meeds (needs) to RUN!!!! Sometimes, this desperate need results in him crazily ping-ponging off the couch and the chair and having some sort of head trauma.

About a month ago, Joe decided to take Nathan to the Chuck-E-Cheese in Lincoln Park. As long as he avoided the nasty-ick-a-lot ball pit, I was cool. Well, he decided to do this on a Saturday night and the line was crazy! Joe said he soon realized his mistake. Nathan was getting impatient and this woman in front of him kept throwing the N-word around like it was the word "the." She said things like "they'd better let me in soon, because this "n-word" is getting pi$$ed off!" Joe was pretty horrified. To make it worse, the group of people the woman was with joined in, using epithets and profanity to voice their outrage at having to wait in line. Joe left quickly because he was so afraid Nathan was going to repeat the words.

When he got home, we talked about needing to find a new evening activity. We agreed that worst case scenario, we can go to the icky Play Land at McDonald's. One night, we did just that. Except! The McDonald's had remodeled! Instead of the slides and tubes that certainly were never cleaned and that Nathan was afraid of anyway, they had a soft-surface area with the soft rubber/plastic/whatever climb on animals, race car, and slides. It's awesome. Also, they request that it's just children 3 and under. Nathan calls it "the other Chuck-E-Cheese."

The first night was GREAT. Nathan sort of hogged the race car, but Joe got him out and ran around with him. We decided we would try to go there once or twice a week. Most of the time, it's been fine. There are often children who are too big (like 9 or 10) to be in there with crawlers and new walkers. Also, there are often children whose parents aren't watching them at all.

But the other night, there was a mother of four kids. I'm guessing they were 4, 3, 2 and a newborn. The mom stayed in the restaurant with the newborn while the older three played in the area (a whole different room). The oldest two were girls and were just fine. The youngest, likely just turned two, was a little boy and he was awful. Nathan was sitting in the race car minding his own business, when the boy came up to him and grabbed his arm. He shouted "NO!" in his face and then walked away. Nathan, who we refer to as a gentle giant, just sat there and looked confused. We said it's okay, just keep playing. But, every few minutes, the little boy would come up to him and do something physically aggressive and yell at Nathan. This little guy was about a head shorter than Nathan, so he wasn't hurting him, but he certainly did confuse him. My last straw was when Nathan was playing in one of the tunnels and the little man walked up to him, yelled at him, and then SPIT on him! WHAT IN THE WORLD? I'm guessing little kids hitting and yelling at one another is fairly normal, but spitting on each other? At 2? Is that normal? So, I said to the little boy "That's not nice" and then I played with Nathan for the next fifteen minutes. I told him that he could play on what he wanted to, but that he should be polite and share. But really, I was mad at this (undoubtedly) tired and overwhelmed mom.

I wondered if she had just been in the same room, would her little boy - her toddler - be that mean. I wondered too if he was that mean because he was treated that way, or neglected at home. Whatever the answer, Nathan is none the worse for wear. But, it's such a careful balance. Maybe I should have said something to the mom? I'm not sure... but I do feel bad for the two year old shouting for attention.

Really Hopeful About 2011

2011-01-03T13:47:00.010-06:00

Remember when 2000 seemed like a crazy new era? Well, seriously ... we're in the second DECADE of the 21st century. Dudes? How nuts is that?

I'm really hoping that 2011 is a year of blessings for all of you, because I know, for us, 2010 was really difficult.

January - Well, we began the year with the news that Joe's grandma had passed away. She'd been suffering for a while, but it was still sad to say goodbye. We also discovered that my mom's uncle, her dad's twin, had terminal lung cancer. On the plus side, my little monkey turned two and my BFF had her baby girl.

February - I started making frequent trips to my hometown to see my ailing aunt. It was good to reconnect with her daughter.

March - My cousin had her baby, Alexi. We went to the Smoky Mountains with my parents - and wow, was that a good time! While I was in a fog that our year of infertility had cast, I was offered an adjunct teaching position at a local university. This opportunity changed our lives.

April - My aunt's health continued to fail and I really started to fall off from blogging. It got rather tiresome to only blog about sad things; but honestly, that was all I was feeling at the time. It had been a really rough four months.

May - Nathan and I made a trip home to see my family. It was that phone call "Please get your family here, because she's only got a day or two left." My aunt, somehow, hung on for almost another month.

June - I'd hit rock-bottom at work. The hostile work environment that I'd been dealing with for nearly 4 years had finally taken its toll on me. And, dear lord, I blogged about it. I also turned thirty-five on June 24th, the same day my aunt died.

July - July was good. Although we'd known since early June, we got to announce to our friends and family that I was expecting again. Amidst all the lousy was this very very good news.

August - My mom's uncle passed peacefully from cancer. My pregnancy, despite my advanced maternal age, was going very very well. But, Joe's mom was diagnosed with cancer. We made the tough decision, but good decision that I was going to be a stay at home mom once the Jelly Bean came along.

September - We did have the blessing of Joe not having to return to India. We're both still so grateful for that. Unfortunately, we discovered that my mother-in-law's cancer was very aggressive and that they had to start chemo right away.

October - Two months of hell began for us. Nathan went from sleeping magically (well, not really, but it was magical for us), to sleeping anywhere from 4-6 hours a night. He was afraid of the dark, monsters, and robots. Nothing we did could console him. I think I aged more between October and December than in the previous five years. A definite positive that came out of this month is that we discovered Joe's brother and his wife were expecting their first child. The blessings were piling up, encouraging my mother-in-law to fight even more.

November - I had a really terrible week, which culminated in a really terrible day (including getting rear-ended). I celebrated four years of wedded bliss with this man that I'm so proud and blessed to call my husband.

December - Most of last month was about finishing things up (not that we did). Joe also took some cute belly pictures of me. Well, the cute part was Nathan. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve with my in-laws and a great Christmas Day with my parents. My cousin, who is just so so backward, had her perfectly healthy baby girl that morning. On New Year's Eve, we celebrated with my friend Colleen and her family. And sadly, we were in bed by 10:30 that night. I wasn't that sad about missing the gunfire that inevitably erupts at midnight.

What about 2011? Well, all I've got for this year is hope. My life is going to drastically change. Our income, which isn't that substantial in the first place, is going to be cut in half, but I'm getting the opportunity to be home with my children. Two of them!

I'm also hoping to figure out what the heck to do about this blog. Am I going to start anew? Am I going to continue with it like the past year of lousy posts and sadness/self-pity didn't happen? Am I going to learn from the poorly-written navel gazing? I really don't know.

I know that I love the connections I've made through this medium. I know that I love to write. I know that I had - at one point - found a lot of solace in writing here. Can I get that back? Have any of you been to this point with your blog? If so, what did you do? Did you make it back. I'm going to think on it for the next few days and I'd love your input.

Update-ish

2010-12-29T16:35:00.002-06:00

Well, my butt is still killing me. STILL. It's making me a little nervous about childbirth.

Oh, about that, I have 20 days to go. Until my due date. Oh-my-gosh. It's crazy to think I'll have two little monkeys by this time next month. How do you moms do it? I feel so inept most of the time with just one. I mean, I love it more than I imagined I would, but it's difficult.

Anyway, my butt. I have another chiropractor/physical therapy appointment tomorrow. Really, the times it hurts the most is when I'm sitting at work... for nine hours. SITTING. But! I only have 3 weeks left of that. YAY!

That is all.

Pain in the Butt

2010-12-20T14:27:00.004-06:00

I woke up on Friday morning without my usual reaction: Falling out of bed trying to reach my phone that I can never reach, but it will just not shut up. Because I don't have telepathy. No, this past Friday, I couldn't even muster enough motion to fall out of the bed. Finally, I sat up and pain shot through my entire body. I have to tell you, I have a pretty high pain tolerance. But this, this just about sent me over the edge.

My tailbone! I nursed it the rest of the day by sitting only when I needed to, and lounging on the couch like someone who resided in the Greco-Roman empires. The next day, I lounged around some more, but then I had a church function and had to be on my feet for a couple hours. I felt surprisingly well afterward. I thought, "Hey! I'm on the mend." Meanwhile, I had been asking Dr. Google for his advice. People are like, "This happened to me too. Try this. It didn't work for me, but hey, try it anyway."

I've met with a physical therapist and have a chiropractor appointment scheduled for Thursday night. Hopefully it will get a little bit better.

It's a Good Surprise

2010-12-15T13:12:00.007-06:00

Like last time, we haven't found out the sex of the baby. People keep saying "Are you crazy?" "How do you not know?" "I'd have to find out!!" That's okay, right? To each his own, but it's strange to me how many people are saying "I'm sure you want a girl."

Today, Amy (of amalah.com) posted about the idea of not caring about the sex of the baby, just hoping for a baby. I loved this post, because she has two boys and they're fairly certain her third is a boy as well. But it doesn't matter. She says that her boys are the children she was meant to have and she loves them.

That's so true. From the time I started showing with Nathan, everyone who saw me said it was a boy. This time, the jury's still out. Early on, people were saying it's a girl, but I think that's because I have a boy already. But, here's the truth: It doesn't matter. The Targo and I are so grateful for this healthy, uneventful pregnancy that we could burst. No matter what we're blessed with, we're going to be happy.

We're both from boy heavy families. I'm the only girl, with three older brothers. The Targo is one of two boys. His only first cousins are both men. There are five grand kids on my side of the family, only the oldest is a girl. So, we're pretty well convinced that people only have boys. We're comfortable with boys.

On the other hand, all of our local friends have girls. All of them. When we go to birthday parties, every gift we purchase comes in a pink bag. Last year at Nathan's birthday party, we referred to the party guests as his harem, because we don't know anyone locally with little boys. A little girl would be delightful.

Those of you with multiple children, expecting your first, or hoping to be a parent someday ... Do you care about the sex? Did you find out beforehand?

35 Weeks

2010-12-14T11:29:00.002-06:00

So, then... things are going well. In fact, aside from being completely unprepared at the home front, all is going perfectly. I feel great, the baby is growing just fine, and I am quite large. (see below ... Baby belly + Belly fat = Ick)

Last week, I felt like we had some weird milestone. I have this dorky tendency to look for patterns (not quite A Beautiful Mind brilliant... just dorky). I noticed that I was at 34 weeks and Nathan was 34 months old. That means nothing, naturally, but it was this weird synchronicity that made me slow down, just for a minute. It made me think about how I've spent the past few months hurrying this pregnancy along, but not taking the time to enjoy the 32nd, 33rd, and 34th months of my firstborn's life. He's amazing.

Things have been going better with Nathan's sleeping. He's still not getting quite enough sleep, but at least he's getting more that 5-6 hours per night. In fact, the past two days, he's slept in the realm of 9 hours, plus an hour nap in the afternoon. This is a remarkable difference from where we were just a week or so ago. (This sleep-deprivation might be why I'm not savoring this time. Maybe?)

My countdown to leaving my job has begun too. The resumes for my replacement are in. Wow, has this been humbling. I don't think I'm some super superior worker, but maybe the powers that be should hush about how excited they are about the candidates until I leave the room. Jeez.

Life ... well, it's mostly beautiful, and is really moving too fast. I hope that I am able to really enjoy the last few weeks of having my son as an only child. Because it's December in Chicago, these moments will largely take place snuggling under a blanket.

6 Weeks To Go

2010-12-08T13:12:00.002-06:00

I feel like parts of this pregnancy went by pretty quickly, especially the first 8 weeks. Because my cycle was so irregular at that point, we weren't even sure until I was almost 7 weeks along. We waited until I was 12 weeks to tell anyone. So that part... that was quick.

The time between 12-24 weeks seemed pretty quick too, because I was sleeping through much of it. Well, as much as my 2 year old, my husband, and my two jobs would let me. Then, Nathan stopped sleeping, and it seemed like this pregnancy stopped moving along too. I always thought being sleep-deprived meant you walked around in so much of a daze that hours-turn-into-days-turn-into-weeks. But no... the days just crawl by because you're counting the seconds you can go to bed.

These last few weeks are going by at a good clip. I think seeing the doctor every week helps. Also, being beyond crazy busy at work, well that's helping too. But really... I'm just kinda done. I'm ready to stay at home with my wonderful little monkey and his new brother or sister. I hope it's as good as I think it's going to be.

Just About Done

2010-12-03T15:04:00.007-06:00

Okay, I hate to be ungrateful, but I totally am. I'm so done being pregnant. I LOVED LOVED LOVED being pregnant with Nathan. But, I didn't have an insane 2 year old to chase around, pick up, struggle with. Now, I'm just beat!

I hope this too shall pass.

Daycare is going much better. At the most, Nathan has six more weeks there. He's fine - I know this. It's just so hard to drop him off when he doesn't want to go, and he's so genuinely upset.

On the plus side, Nathan (fingers-crossed) is beginning to sleep. It's been about 2 months since he was sleeping well. So, The Targo and I are so very grateful. Most days I'm lucky to get 4 hours sleep, but it's been in the realm of 7 the past four days!

Flowers

2010-11-30T14:59:00.000-06:00

The Targo and I celebrate our fourth anniversary today. It's been pretty darn magical. I posted this on Facebook, so I'm sure many of you have seen it. But, I wanted to post it here too.

I love you, Yo-Yo!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

It's a Terrible Day

2010-11-17T12:12:00.004-06:00

I've been having problems with my auto-post, I think. This is so old, but I'm afraid if I don't write it down, I'll forget about how these trials, although they suck, are so very temporary.

Actually, it's been a terrible few weeks. Perhaps terrible is overstating it, but there have been many things that have sucked.

I mentioned not too long ago that Nathan's daycare suddenly fell through. Well, it had taken us about 8-10 months to actually find that daycare. So, the Targo and I were scrambling to find a new daycare. Thankfully, I had a friend whose sitter had an opening. We met her and I fell in love! I thought it was going to be perfect because my friend's daughter would be there and she and Nathan are buddies. The first day was terrible. Nathan sat by the door, holding onto his shoes and crying for the first 30-45 minutes he was there. Ms. C. comforted him and attempted to get him to join the other children in playtime, but he wasn't ready.

He was pretty hard to get to sleep that night, although we'd been making progress in the sleep realm. So, I decided to snuggle with him on the couch. He got startled by something and slammed the back of his head into my nose, breaking it.

Yesterday, I had a 7:30 appointment with my new OB. Because it was so early, I had both The Targo and Nathan with me. It ran a little bit late, but we dropped The Targo off at work downtown, and then Nathan and I headed north for work and daycare. While stopped at a light, we got rear-ended. Lord. Then I had to drop him off at daycare, Day 2. He cried and clung to my leg and cried some more.

When I got into work, my supervisor laid a piece of paper on my desk. It was a job description template. He said that they're changing my job title and description so they can get someone experienced to replace me. This is hard enough for me, because even though I know I'm doing the right thing by staying home, it doesn't mean I'm not ridiculously freaked out. Anyway, to add salt to the wound, the salary range was on the solicitation, and the low end was listed as $10,000/year more than I currently make. The high end is more than $25,000/year more. I've been here for 4 1/2 years! Essentially, they're asking me to spend a good chunk of my time writing a job solicitation that's asking for me, but someone who is worth a great deal more money than me.

I spent all day yesterday, and a good part of today working on that stupid thing. My supervisor was a bit relentless, saying we have to get this done today! Who has to write the job ad for their own replacement? Anyway, I finally got the nerve to tell him that it was really quite upsetting because of what I said above. He said that he understood, and that he's dealing with "compression" (comparable salary) issues too. And, he asked me if would make any difference if they offered me the starting salary. I told him NO! As someone with more experience and education than they're requesting, I should be toward the high end.

The drop off at daycare was a little better today, but still not great. Regardless, I'm hopeful. I know it's only temporary and Nathan will eventually adjust. It's going to be better. Things are just really frustrating right now.

Much on My Mind

2010-11-12T15:50:00.005-06:00

... but I'm having a hard time putting "pen to paper."

Really, I have a question for you more experienced moms. We were thinking of re-doing Nathan's room. We rent, so it's not like we can knock down walls or do anything crazy. I was hoping that rearranging his room my make him less anxious about bedtime. Now hear me out. What if we make it more about him, rather than apartment grade eggshell, with Nathan's furniture?

I'd like to ...

Put up some decorations of things he likes. For example, he's so into trucks and trains right now. If I can find some affordable ones at Target or online, I think it'd be very cute!
I'd like to move the crib out of the room, since we're planning on putting it in our room anyway.
I'd like to move some of his toys into his room, so that he has an area of his own. Right now, we've given him about half of the living room as a play room, because there's no room in his room.

My thinking is that if we make him part of this process, he'll be less afraid, anxious, INSANE, at bedtime.

Thoughts?

Jelly Bean's Interweb Debut

2010-11-10T11:11:00.008-06:00

Yes, I posted these on Facebook, but with the week I had, I need to share this with lots of people.

This pregnancy is mostly going great. I feel so well and the baby is doing great. If I could get his/her brother to sleep, I'd be golden.

These pictures aren't as clear as the ones of Nathan were (the cord was in the way), but they're still pretty cute. I'm fairly certain we will be the family of clones.

On Parenting

2010-11-09T00:19:00.004-06:00

Tonight has been one of those nights where I'm more than convinced that I am not a good parent, and I'm absolutely going to flop when I have two children.

For the last week or so, we've been able to put Nathan to bed without screaming. It takes quite a while (1-3 hours), but the quietness of it made it all worthwhile. Tonight, Lord help us, we weren't so lucky.

Our childcare situation suddenly fell through on Friday, so Nathan will be with me, The Targo, or Ti-Dah (grandpa) this week. Today, we were super busy in the morning and then Nathan managed to take a 2 hour nap. I was hoping this would make things easier tonight, since I knew exactly how long he napped. No no no. The scream fest was back! Freaking out, dry heaving, screaming in terror. Oh, yes! My house is fun! It's nights like this one that make me understand why my downstairs neighbors smoke up 3 times a night. (Actually, I don't understand and it infuriates me because it smells so bad ... but whatever.)

So, I gave up. An hour and a half of cajoling, bargaining, and finally, threatening, had worn me down to the point that I just had to walk away. I needed a time out. The Targo took over, and an hour later, Nathan seems to be sleeping.

I know he should be sleeping. I know some people say "let him cry it out." I know others say that's not the solution. But here's the truth: We haven't found anything that's really worked... and it's been over a month (i.e. we're now two to three days before mama loses her mind.) and we're still struggling. And man, I'm so freaking tired.

Where Either Choice Will Make Me Unhappy

2010-11-08T15:54:00.009-06:00

I posted last week about how my doctors no longer deliver at my hospital of choice. Maybe it shouldn't be a big deal for me, but it is. I know that if I have to have another c-section, I'll be in the hospital for three days or so. I'd really like to be able to understand the nurses, and have them understand me. Call me crazy.

Today, The Targo took the morning off, so he could accompany me to my doctor's appointment. We were hoping to get the information straight about the hospital change. I was afraid I was going to wimp out. Well, the doctor seeing patients today had to cancel because she was delivering. This is one of the negatives of a small practice. I've had three appointments this pregnancy get canceled. So, I asked the receptionist about the hospital change. She explained to me that there are things that they can't do, because the practice is so small.

So! I talked to many, many girlfriends to find a practice that delivers at the hospital I want to go to. And now, I wait.

Here are the things:

I'm at 30 weeks tomorrow --- should I be changing practices this late in the game?
I love that I *know* all three of the doctors in my practice --- Do I want to go to a practice with 10 doctors, where chances are, I won't have met the doctor that would deliver for me?
My current practice is not supportive of my goal of having a VBAC --- I would love to not have to recover from a c-section with an infant and a busy toddler.
My current practice delivers at a crappy hospital --- I would love my nurses to speak English, and my gosh, the better hospital is SO nice.

So, hopefully, I will have a decision tomorrow.

How did I lose already?

2010-11-07T16:48:00.007-06:00

I should know better than to do NaBloPoMo, because something bad always happens. Gah.

Don't worry, everyone is fine. We're just dealing with some drama. We'll land on our feet.

Request for Toddler Evening Activities

2010-11-05T13:59:00.008-05:00

Okay, this is a solicitation for advice.

Nathan and I usually get home from work between 5:45 and 6:30. I feel like we have just enough time to eat dinner, play for a little while, bathe, and then start the hell of bedtime. This time crunch and fatigue have resulted in Nathan and I watching TV almost every night for the past month. Before the bedtime freak-outs began, we rarely had the TV on before Nathan went to bed. Now, it's a survival mechanism.

I figure that between making dinner and bath, we have about an hour of downtime every evening. I would love your suggestions of how to engage my busy, active toddler during this time. Also, be aware that I'm beyond tired right now. BEYOND. A couple of things, we need activities that don't wind him up. Bedtime is heinous enough.

Really, I just want to stop watching "Caillou."

A New Leaf?

2010-11-04T08:29:00.004-05:00

Last night was bliss. Well, in our little world it was bliss. Okay, so we didn't get Nathan to bed until after 10:00, but for the second night in a row, it was scream-free. And, oh my word, he slept in his own bed all night long. I almost feel like I need to delete that right now because I'm going to jinx it.

This morning, The Targo and I woke about about 20-30 minutes before our alarms went off, because we were so well-rested. Six hours sleep has never felt so good.

What did we do last night that was so different from the last month? Nothing. Not really, anyway. We just didn't force the issue. Finally, he was tired and The Targo rocked him for like, two minutes, put him in the Thomas bed, and waited five minutes... the dude was O-U-T.

I'm hoping he's asleep when I get home from class tonight, but that might be too much. That might be too miraculous.

Deal Breaker?

2010-11-03T09:47:00.011-05:00

When I had Nathan, I was in a cruise ship-like hospital. It had only been open for three months when he was born. Seriously, it had the new car smell to it.

I called my doctor yesterday, and the receptionist called me back several hours later. She asked me if I had registered at the hospital and which hospital I was planning to deliver at. I told her her and she paused for a few minutes. Then she said that the doctors aren't delivering there any more. They are only delivering at this one hospital close to our old apartment. The Targo and I have been to the hospital in both the labor/delivery ward and in the emergency room. The place is okay, old and a bit dingy, but my problem was with the nurses. Not one of the several we had seen spoke English well. The Targo and I were somewhat able to understand them, but they certainly were not able to understand us. I don't want to spend three days and nights in this hospital.

Is this a deal breaker? I'm not sure. I sort of feel like it is. It's just that I've had in my head that I was going to deliver at a certain hospital, with a state-of-the-art neonatal unit, and the best residents and doctors in the city. We've been to this hospital, had baby classes there, and spent the first three days with our son there.

I have an appointment on Monday and will hopefully get things straightened out. I'm really hoping that I don't have to change my practice, but I want to be comfortable.

Out of Sorts

2010-11-02T11:04:00.006-05:00

I've been feeling, um, wrong since Saturday. I've been nauseous, had weird pains, and just haven't felt well. Oh, and my heartburn has been raging. Part of me thinks it's fatigue. Another part of me is freaking out, wondering what the heck is wrong.

I read this today on Baby Center:

Some old friends — heartburn and constipation — may take center stage now. The pregnancy hormone progesterone relaxes smooth muscle tissue throughout your body, including your gastrointestinal tract. This relaxation, coupled with the crowding in your abdomen, slows digestion. Sluggish digestion can cause gas and heartburn — especially after a big meal — and contribute to constipation.

(I'm pretty sure I posted something similar to this last time around, but I am too lazy to look.)

I'm sure part of my not feeling right is this. But, I feel too, that with your first pregnancy, you spend so much time being elated, planning, building, living, that you don't realize when things are wrong or right. Now, the second time around, I'm not sure what is right or wrong, but I know I don't feel well.

I called my doctor's office at 9 this morning and left a message. I haven't heard back. I'm sure I'll have more to say about my OB practice at a later date. Right now, I still feel a little off, but I feel much better. I'm looking forward to going home and snuggling with my very very crabby child. We both need it.

Halloween at My House

2010-11-01T15:26:00.002-05:00

So, does it make me the world's worst mom that I didn't get my kid a costume this year? No? Hmm. Okay.

We dressed Nathan up as a rock star this year. Mostly because The Targo couldn't agree on a costume, but also because the kid really really needs a haircut. So, he had an adorable black t-shirt with white sleeves featuring a gray and red guitar on the front, some distressed jeans, and spiky hair. He was pretty adorable. We were eating pizza before we went outside to hand out candy and Nathan got covered in pizza sauce. We then went with Plan B: Varsity football player. This costume featured track pants, a football sweatshirt, and a tiny letterman's jacket. He also had a toddler-sized football, but we left it inside.

We didn't trick-or-treat this year. I'm not sure when we/if we ever will. But right now, the decorations scare the bejeebus out of Nathan, and also, The Targo and I just don't need all that candy around.

Mr. Jock totally loved "handing out" candy. Really what he did was say "hi!" and try to get the attention of all the trick-or-treaters. He also proudly showed off his "shiny new bike" that he's had since March. Sadly, no one really paid attention to him. Kids just don't notice other little kids. But he also ate more candy in one night than he has in the previous 3 or 4 months. Needless to say bedtime was its own brand of hell last night.

So, back to a variation of my original question. Does it make me the world's worst mom if I didn't take a picture of my kid on Halloween? Because I didn't. And I already feel like a jerk.

Family of Three (and a half)

2010-10-29T10:04:00.000-05:00

My good friend, Ozzie, took pictures of us a couple weeks ago. We were grateful for the timing, because The Targo's mom was scheduled to start chemotherapy just a few days later. Here's a teaser shot of us. Please note that I haven't slept in 2 1/2 years. And man, are we squinty.

Kindness of Strangers - NOT

2010-10-28T10:25:00.009-05:00

Is that joke too 1990s? Probably.

The last time I was pregnant, I discovered people were anything but kind when they encountered a pregnant women. Part of it may have been that they just assumed I was fat, not pregnant. But I really do think there's an attitude problem out there. Don't get me wrong, people have always been jerks. I just feel like it's more overt and more acceptable nowadays. (Imagine me shaking a cane while saying this.)

Yesterday, The Targo stayed home with Nathan. He got his flu vaccine that morning, and we didn't know how he'd feel going to daycare afterward, so we just kept him home. It's good that we did, because the poor munchkin seemed to have some terrible tummy virus too. He's fine today, thankfully. But the poor, poor Targo... there were a lot of pull-ups changed. A LOT. As a result of this long back story, I took the train to and from work.

On the way there, people shoved me out of the way to get on the train. Whatever, typical rush hour commute. There was nothing horribly micro-insulty, it was just annoying. On the way home, however, the annoyance sky-rocketed. I'm sure part of it is that I'm tired and my tolerance level is way (way) low. When I got to the bus stop, I was one of three people. By the time the bus came, naturally, there were 20 people. I was one of the last people to get on, not a big deal really, but a young man (about 15 or 16 years of age) shoved his way on, in front of the big fat pregnant lady and three or four elderly people. When I got on the bus, I was right across from him (naturally, he had a seat) and he was bragging to his pal, another high school boy, asking him if he saw him weasel his way onto the bus in front of everyone else. His buddy giggled and high-fived him. Of course.

Seriously?

Affirmation #2,305 that I want to raise my son to have manners. Why is it a good thing to be a rude schmuck? I think we mamas of boys have a real tough task ahead of us.

Tiny Blessings

2010-10-26T14:45:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite bloggers, Nilsa of SoMi Speaks, just had a baby. He was born yesterday (my mom's birthday!) at 31 weeks. Her little man seems to be doing well and he looks just perfect.

Nilsa's writing exudes this classy joy. This spirit really came forth in her last two posts about her baby. It's a good read. Go ahead and peek. I think you may get hooked too.

About that Sleeping

2010-10-25T10:35:00.013-05:00

Well, it's not getting any better. In the past three and a half weeks, gotten a good night's sleep twice. We're all about crazy. In fact, I've nearly bitten off my boss's head TWICE today alone.

Last night, he struggled a little more than usual to go to sleep. We managed to get him down around 10:30. Naturally, he woke up at 12:30, 2:00, and 4:00. He finally settled into a deep sleep around 4:30.

Sometimes, I'm sure this is hell, but mostly I'm still loving this little person with all my heart. But why, OH WHY, won't he sleep?

Hush, Little Baby

2010-10-18T15:39:00.002-05:00

So, we're on day 16 of Nathan barely sleeping. I actually feel bad about posting this today, because last night was a good night. Well, a night that The Targo and I would consider a win.

I'm really guesstimating on how long it's been, because I don't remember the exact night. But the pattern has been occurring for quite some time. It began with Nathan waking up earlier and earlier: 4 am one morning, 3 am the next, and so on. One night, when he woke up at 1 am, he was up until 5:30. We normally get up at 6; so this was a real problem. This early waking changed to real problems going to bed, and that's what's been really hard the past two plus weeks. We'll start our bedtime routine around 7:45. On bath nights, we start a little earlier. We participate in quiet play, snuggle, and then read two stories. Before this period of HELL, we would then put him to bed (we've given up on the big boy bed for the time being) and that would be that. Then came the fear, and when I say "fear," I mean terror. I don't know what he saw, or what he thought he saw, but the screams were blood-curdling. He was sweating, and his eyes were wide with fear. I just don't feel like we can let a child that scared - of God knows what - to cry it out.

So, we'd hoped the internets would come to our rescue, but none of the tactics really worked. For the past three nights, we've been rocking him until he calms down. When he does, we'll put him in the bed and wait in there with him until he goes to sleep. While bedtime is still long, it's been relatively painless. But, he's still waking up in panic around 2 or 3 every morning. This morning it was 5 and we were so so grateful for that.

I feel like a lot of the sleeping issues might be normal developmental things. But, Nathan has always been such a bad sleeper that I don't really know. I'm just hoping to average more than four hours a night this week.

Overbooked

2010-10-15T09:04:00.005-05:00

I'm sort of a homebody. Sort of. I love doing things with friends and family, but I certainly relish my time at home to just be with my guys.

The past few weekends, I've been crazily booking Nathan for activities and playdates. When I throw in serving at church and visiting family, I'm just exhausted. Why am I doing this? I'm not sure.

Sometimes I think that if I don't shore up these connections now, I won't have them when I leave my job in January. I also worry that I'll forget how to interact with my friends with "real jobs" when I'm at home full-time. Then again, what will we have in common? Will they want to hang out with me?

This is one of those stupid anxieties I'm sure many women leaving the workforce feel. Really, because I don't have enough real stuff to worry about. Dork.

Blessings Abound

2010-10-13T09:19:00.007-05:00

We were excited to hear last night that the Targo's younger brother and his wife are expecting a baby. The baby is due sometime late May/early June.

I think it's so great, for a family that's had quite a bit go wrong in the last year, to have two blessings coming in such short order. I'll keep you posted.

For Reals, Facebook

2010-10-11T15:24:00.006-05:00

I have a pretty diverse group of friends. They run the gamut in education, political beliefs, religion, and economic class. When you throw my family in there, a whole other demographic (trailer people) is represented.

I'm really okay with this because you don't have to see the world the same as I do for me to love you. I also feel like I have enough middle-of-the-road views to keep me grounded in the knowledge that a) I'm not always right, b) I don't always know what's best, and c) most other arguments have validity. (Except when it comes to crimes against children, but that's a whole other rant.)

So anyway, over the past few months, I've posted three completely innocuous posts that have received crazy, over the top responses.

The first: "Happy birthday, Mr. President. Happy birthday to youuuuuuuu." Okay... I was channeling my inner Marilyn Monroe on that one. But my word, did it result in some fighting, name-calling, and just crazy on my wall.

The second: "Although I don't have a horse in this baseball postseason, I'm excited about some of the match ups." Seriously... could this be more vanilla? It's not rooting for anyone in particular, and it's not shooting anyone down. A friend of mine, a good friend, went off on my team, saying that "anyone who goes to a Glenn Beck rally deserves what happens to them. They're representing all that's wrong with America." I was so confused... what did that have to do with my post? Yup, I deleted this one.

The last, just a few days ago: "Hey Chicago mamas --- Where did you do your childbirth classes? Were they crazy-expensive? I'm looking for a weekend-intensive course, not a long one. Also, if you want to watch my child, that would be cool. ;-) " Oh-my-God. So, here's what happened. My best friend from high school said "I thought you were having another c-section." I said "well, I hope not to. My doctor said I have a 50/50 chance of a regular birth, because there was really nothing wrong during my pregnancy with Nathan or his birth." Then she posted "50/50 doesn't sound good, a bit of a risk. but it's your body." A guy friend of mine whose wife had a c-section posted something about how he thought that was kind of harsh, and how the 50/50 wasn't a risk assessment, just a chance of a c-section. My HS friend said "I think after 20 years of friendship I can say whatever I want."

Really? I feel like the point of Facebook is to connect and share good things. Maybe I'm living in too much of a sunshine and puppy dogs kind of world. Have any of you ever had ridiculous like this on Facebook? I guess it wouldn't be so weird if these people weren't actually friends of mine.

New Layout

2010-10-06T13:39:00.002-05:00

This is temporary... I'd really like to find one with a blonde mommy. Hee!

So, I apologize to anyone who is tired/bored/annoyed with my "Hi! I'm pregnant! And living in pregnant land! Where I'm pregnant!" posts... I am trying SO hard to latch onto the good, when it feels like so much around us is going badly.

Thank you for all the thoughts, emails, and sweet comments. You are so much of the good that's going on.

Chemo

2010-09-30T11:41:00.002-05:00

The Targo's mom begins chemo today. I'm still ridiculously hopeful. It might be the hope of someone who knows nothing, but I'm going to stick to it.

24 Weeks

2010-09-28T09:19:00.003-05:00

I had my last appointment with the genetic counselor yesterday. As with the previous two, everything looked great. My fluid, which had previously been on the low end of normal, was back well-within the normal range. The baby is growing well, but still measuring a little small. And man, that child was ACTIVE during the whole exam. He/She kept kicking my belly, the doctor's hand, and the ultrasound probe/wand/thing.

The whole experience would have been fun, perhaps even magical, had the doctor and the tech not kept asking me if I was sure that I didn't want to know the sex. NO! It seemed like it was meant to be funny. I think.

Sometime in the next week or so, I'll need to go for my glucose test. Again, not a big deal. It's just really difficult juggling all of this: Home, work, daycare, and a million doctor's appointments. The frustrating part for me is that I live in the city, work in a suburb, have daycare in the same suburb, but my doctors are in the city - downtown. GAH! This was much easier to do when I was just me that I was hauling around.

So, yeah... Everything is going well. I'm happy, healthy ... and I hope the little Jelly Bean is too.

Bite

2010-09-24T14:26:00.003-05:00

Nathan was bitten by another child at daycare. The little one just turned two and he's itty-bitty for his age. Nathan has a bruise about the size of a nickel and a bit of a scrape from this little man's teeth.

I imagine most of you can relate. "Oh yeah, that's happened to my kid too." It's not really that big of a deal.

I'm not mad at anyone. I think with three 2-year-old boys, it's pretty amazing that this hasn't happened before at Nathan's daycare. And Nathan, well, he forgave his playmate the same day. I'm so grateful my little clone didn't inherit my propensity to hold a grudge. I should probably learn something from this.

It's Bad

2010-09-21T10:40:00.004-05:00

On Sunday, we got a call from The Targo's dad, telling us that his mom's cancer was an aggressive, fast-moving one. *sigh* Fortunately, it seems that my mother-in-law is willing to fight, and fight hard. She's got a lot to fight for.

I wish we knew more, but we do know that she's preparing for chemo. It's a blessing that she's healthy enough to go through it. If you can manage to do so, please keep her in your prayers.

The Toddler and the Doppler

2010-09-17T14:44:00.014-05:00

I had another check up on Tuesday. When I mentioned it to my boss, he told me to take the rest of the day off, because everyone else would be in meetings. Obviously, I jumped at that. The only catch is that I had to take Nathan with me to the doctor.

I have to admit that I was more than a little anxious about it. My kid is LOUD. I mean, his inside voice is louder than my yell. Also, he's not one of those sit-still-and-color types. He moves from the moment he wakes up until sleep pimp-slaps him at night. Dear God. What was I going to do?

So, I picked up from daycare, where we had a slight miscommunication and he didn't get lunch. Fortunately, I had a fruit juice and a cereal bar in the bag for him. He talked the whole way to the doctor (seriously, 10 miles and it took 45 minutes): "Do you see Jeremy the Plane up in the sky? Do you see it, mommy?" I was hoping that it would wear him out, just a little.

No such luck. Once we got into the doctor's office, he was crazed. Not only was he loud, he did not want to sit, and he played musical chairs in the waiting room. There was only one other person in the room and she laughed at him and smiled fairly tolerantly. The office manager, who has a young child, was not as tolerant.

About twenty minutes later, we go back to the rooms. When I tried to sit Nathan down on the chair in the examination room, he almost freaked out. For some reason, he was convinced he was getting a haircut. Yeah, I don't know either. When my doctor came in to take my blood pressure, another fit of panic swept him. He was calmed pretty quickly. Then came the Doppler. Nathan heard the thump-thump-thump and looked around. My doctor tried to explain to the two and a half year old that it was the baby in mama's belly. He was totally intrigued, but totally confused.

So, I got a clean bill of health, got cleaned up and we prepared to go. On the way out, Nathan told anyone who would listen that he didn't "meed" a haircut and that he didn't want a haircut. That even made the office manager laugh.

The experience was only about half as stressful as I thought it would be, but I still can't believe I'm going to have two of these lunatics in just a few months.

Wait, Weight!

2010-09-15T10:22:00.005-05:00

How do I say this? GAH!! I'm pretty sure that's the only word, nonsensical or real, that can express this. I am now at 22 weeks and weigh only 4 pounds less than I did when I gave birth to Nathan. How is this possible? I've gained 19 lbs already? I have 18 weeks to go!!

I really do know how this is possible. First, I started out weighing about 10 more pounds than I did with Nathan. So, those 30-plus pounds, while a lot, didn't seem as bad, especially since I went 42 weeks.

Second, I was still working out pretty regularly when I was pregnant with Nathan. I had the time. When I see my little monkey just a few precious hours a day, I'm loathe to give any bit of them up. Also, the Targo and I were free to take long walks in the evening. Well, we get home about 6 and put Nathan to bed between 7:45 and 8:00.

Third, I eat lunch out almost every day. Back in the glory days of 2007, my office had just two other women in it. We had good camaraderie (most of the time), so I didn't mind bringing a healthy lunch and eating at my desk. That also gave me 20 minutes or so to take a walk outside. Now, my office is inhabited by approximately 354 people. And, I can't wait to get out of here to breathe, let alone eat.

I'm three years older. I guess it's possible my metabolism is slowing a bit. All I have to say about that is "BOOOOOO!"

I do hope that I can continue to be healthy, despite the faster (much faster) weight gain. My blood pressure is great and I really do feel wonderful - now that I don't have a cold or sinus infection. I think it's more important to focus on that.

Transitioning to a Family of Four - Part I

2010-09-13T09:44:00.027-05:00

The Targo and I have been a one car household since we got together. At first, it didn't matter because we both worked downtown and took the bus to work. Everything we needed was at our fingertips (grocery store, movie theatre, pharmacy, etc) or a short bus ride away. We drove the car just three or four times a month to go visit the Targo's parents out in the suburbs (and also run to Target!).

When I got pregnant with Nathan, we moved to a less-congested, more family-friendly neighborhood that sits just a little farther west. We were still close enough to the trains and buses for The Targo to commute, and I drove to the 'burbs for my job and Nathan's daycare.

Our car is a tiny, ten-year-old Honda Civic that we love. It's fuel-efficient, fairly maintenance-free, and a perfect size for our family of three. The problem? Well, the back seat is almost too small for two car seats. Almost meaning that we can fit them in there, but there might not be room for two children to breathe.

We're not in a position to buy a new and larger car, because we're planning on cutting our income in half after the first of the year. So, I've been praying on it and hoping we can figure out a solution.

Good crazy sometimes does happen. My parents had an opportunity to get a new car and they offered to sell us their small SUV for what they owed on it: approximately $3,000 below the Blue Book value. The Targo and I jumped at the opportunity! We were able to get a car that's just a few years old and pay for it in cash. The last thing we wanted to do was have another monthly payment when I'm not working.

This wasn't a necessity, but the car came along at the right time. We're so grateful.

Still Here!

2010-09-09T09:35:00.001-05:00

Still pregnant! (squeeeee!) We have some recent pictures that I will try to get up tonight.

I wish I had good news to report, but nothing really. Things are going okay. The Targo's mom will be having surgery tomorrow. So, we'd be most grateful if you'd keep her in your prayers.

Things Not To Do

2010-09-02T10:15:00.008-05:00

I had an appointment with the genetic counselor on Tuesday, which coincided with my 20 week ultrasound. I'm sure I've mentioned how amazing I've felt over the past four months, but every time I've seen this doctor, I'm terrified that they're going to find something wrong with me or the Jelly Bean. Stupid paranoia.

Tuesday, the doctor told me that the baby was measuring "on the low end of normal" and my fluid was "on the low end of normal." With the baby's size, I think my due date is a little early, and I'm going to talk to my OB about that in a few weeks. But the fluid? Well, that's a little scary. Stupidly, I googled it and got even more freaked out.

My beautiful friend, Amy, reminded me that this ultrasound was just a snapshot and it doesn't mean a trend. I had this appointment at 9:00 in the morning and hadn't really had anything to eat or drink. I'm sure that had something to do with it.

Sometimes, I think in our age of prevention and uber-technology, that we forget pregnancy is a completely natural thing. Most women can get through it without any sort of medical intervention. But we're not conditioned to think that. We need the reassurance from the experts.

I've been talking to some of my other friends who are either pregnant or have just given birth, and they've recommended talking to a doula. This is something I'd thought of doing anyway, because I'd really really like to not have another c-section. I've contacted the sweet women at Mother Me Inc. and I'm thinking of spending a ridiculous amount of money for a consultation. Maybe, just maybe, it will help me relax a little.

And Now It Feels Real

2010-08-30T13:08:00.005-05:00

It's a little earlier than it was last time, but last night, I felt the first little baby kicks through my belly. I'm surprised, because I'm certainly heavier than I was when I was pregnant with Nathan. And man, my body doesn't look remotely the same. But still... there they were: thumps, knocks, pokes. Magic.

I still feel really well. And fortunately, the fatigue is starting to subside. I can't tell if I'm more tired, giving into the fatigue more, or simply worn out because life with a two year old who doesn't sleep is exhausting. At any rate, I am sleepy... like, all the time.

Mostly, things are just peachy.

Still Employed!

2010-08-27T12:50:00.001-05:00

Um... yay?

I still have a job, but just got assigned this really sucky project. What part of "I'm a criminologist, not an IT professional!" do you not understand??

Hah!

Ridiculously Happy It's Friday

2010-08-27T08:36:00.003-05:00

So, today... I have a couple high-stress situations. I have a meeting with the biggest boss of my organization. Just me. I have no idea what it's about. Do you think I'll still have a job at the end of the day? I wore my most capable-looking shirt for good measure.

Somehow, I'm feeling pretty chill about it.

Also, because the weight of second pregnancy seems to come on faster than the first, I need to go maternity clothes shopping. Fortunately, my "fat pants" fit fine, but most of my shirts are getting a little too tight and a little too short. I really love Motherhood Maternity, because they have a wide variety of clothes and they're really affordable. But, I went to a "mom boutique" the other day and bought this really expensive top. It was a better shopping experience than wedding dress shopping. The woman who worked there was so genuinely sweet and helpful. If you have a little money to blow, I really recommend Hot Mama. They have non-mom clothes for moms. I really loved it.

Happy Friday!

What Would You Do?

2010-08-26T13:12:00.007-05:00

I have this cousin...

Man, her home life was terrible. Her dad is bipolar and untreated. Her mom is the most selfish human being I've ever met. She has a twelve year old brother who is so filled with anger and so empty of hope, I just don't know what to do.

My cousin grew up in a dysfunctional home where no one had any sort of responsibility, but waited for someone to do everything for them. Like, pay their bills, buy their kids clothes, etc.

My cousin is inexplicably smart. She grew up in a tiny farming community (they're not farmers) with a small consolidated school district, yet Yale contacted her as a sophomore, and offered to interview her as a junior. She didn't go to that interview because "she didn't have a car and no one (i.e. her parents) could take her."

Now, she's almost 21, she works at a motel part-time, she lives with her boyfriend (who is nice enough, but he's immature and not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box), and she's expecting a child in January. This isn't the worst thing in the world, except that the parenting models these two have had have been horrendous.

What is stressing me out the most is the constant barrage of Facebook posts she has about hating her life. I keep trying to build her up in encouraging ways, but in the past few months, I've realized I don't mean it. I'm just mad at her. She's so smart and so capable, but she doesn't want to do a thing for herself. She expects everything to come from someone else. For example, she and her boyfriend were "buying" a house on contract, on two part-time jobs. When the time came for them to put up earnest money, they didn't have it. So, she cried to her family for someone to give them the money or take out a loan for them, because they lacked credit. When no one did, she cut everyone off, because "those who could help, wouldn't." She didn't understand that risk or sacrifice it would have been for everyone else to pay her debt. And here I am, age thirty-five and a renter. I don't understand why people without full-time jobs should own a home.

But I digress. I want to encourage this young woman, and give her support through her pregnancy. But it's so difficult, because she not only expects it, but she's angry when she's not given these things she's entitled to. Do you have people like this in your life? Am I being too harsh? (I'm sure someone is going to say that.) How do you handle these situations?

Looking Up

2010-08-25T16:35:00.006-05:00

I had a few furlough days from work this past week. So, it was unpaid time off, but it was time off with my husband and my son. It was time off to enjoy my family and my city.

We went to the Lincoln Park Zoo and had a great time. We decided to go during the late afternoon, so it wasn't too busy. Nathan loved being able to run and just enjoy being a little boy.

The Targo and I were those parents who everyone laughed at, and some felt sorry for. We heard several people say "Man, they're going to be so tired when they get home." Nathan ran and we chased.

The bliss that those few precious hours of family time have become, well, it's almost indescribable. Fortunately we can keep little snapshots of these moments.

More of These Days

2010-08-24T08:17:00.005-05:00

I'm not sure if I ever had it... the ability to hilariously/sweetly/thoughtfully/informatively blog about my life. But, if I did, it's certainly gone now. *sigh* I'm not sure if I'm as busy as I think I am, or if what I'm doing is that much more important than blogging. Maybe both? I dunno.

There's so much good going on right now. First, I'm 19 weeks along in a pregnancy I was convinced wasn't going to happen. Looking back, I realize what a blessing this timing was. Why? Well, another good thing is that I start my second class next week. It will end just weeks before the Jelly Bean is due to arrive. This teaching position is enabling me to quit my full-time job. Can I tell you how grateful I am? It breaks my heart to see my little guy just 1-2 hours per day. Come January, amidst the insanity of going from one to two, I will have him home with me every day. The Targo, while being the stressed one in this marriage, is not only comfortable, but excited about this. We'll see how our families react, but I know this is the best thing for my family.

And the bad... It's so bad. We've had yet another cancer diagnosis in my family, this time it's the Targo's mom. It's breast cancer and she's having outpatient surgery in a couple weeks. And honestly, that's all I know. We've got no details. In fact, we should consider ourselves lucky that we know, because she's not telling anyone. Anyone.

Could you all send up a prayer for this lady? She's got a lot on her side (her age, her general health, living in a large metro area with access to great hospitals), but I know prayer will help.

And, here's a shocker...

2010-08-13T15:42:00.005-05:00

Well... I'm sick - AGAIN. Seriously? I don't even know how many colds/sinus infections/bouts with the plague I've had this year. But, this is the worst simply because it's 94 degrees outside.

We've also had another death on my mom's side of the family. It's the second one in six weeks. This is my great-uncle I had spoken of earlier. My poor mom.

On a positive note, we have a really great day planned for Nathan tomorrow. We're going to a Day Out with Thomas the Train. O-Em-Gee. My two year old is going to officially freak out. I'm expecting teenager-esque squeals.

This is the respite we need. I hope you all have a beautiful weekend.

Okaaaay?

2010-08-05T12:56:00.005-05:00

A few days ago, my friend Coralie was talking about how she says and writes with "so..." a lot. Anyone who's been to this blog knows that "so..." is a verbal/written problem of mine too. I also say "yeah?" entirely too much.

Some of the ticks, well, I'm aware of them. Others? Not so much. When my mom was in two watching Nathan, we noticed a new verbal habit of his. Every statement or question ended with "Okay?" It's as if he needed the reification. "That's not Gordon; it's Thomas. Okay?"

My mom and I laughed at it for a few days, and then I was explaining something to Nathan. "You can't kick because that hurts mama. Okay"

Few things will point out your flaws more immediately than a person under 3 feet tall.

Suggestions?

2010-07-30T13:07:00.002-05:00

So, hi. I was slapped today with the reality that I don't read many blogs any more. I go to a handful every day, but many of the ones I love, I think about, and then never visit them.

Do you guys use readers? Can you help a sister out with the best way to keep up with your blogs?

Danke!

Two and a Half

2010-07-29T14:36:00.007-05:00

Nathan's now two and a half. I'm asking myself all the typical questions: Where did time go? Where's my baby? Who is this big boy? ad nauseum. Really? I'm enjoying this little man so much. He never stops moving or talking, and consistently cracks me up. Like, every day.

Recently, I've learned a lot about who he is as a person. A week or two ago, when I picked Nathan up from daycare, he was singing and dancing with one of the other little boys there. At one point, they got a little too excited and the other little guy slapped Nathan across the face (he's two also). Nathan stepped back and said "You hit Nathan face! Don't hit Nathan!" I hugged Nathan and told him he'd be okay, while my daycare provider gently disciplined the other boy. On another day, when I arrived, Nathan was quietly playing with trains and cars. One of the other little guys, a fellow who's not quite 2, walked up and took two trains from Nathan. Nathan looked at him and then continued to play. My little boy... he's the biggest kid there, by at least 2 inches, and maybe 2 pounds, but he's so gentle. A gentle giant.

I am also in love with his voracious appetite to learn. We have ABC magnets on our fridge. Every day he designs some shape with them and has to tell us every letter. He's using his imagination a great deal more. The Targo found a really nice copy of The Little Engine that Could. Nathan, who loves anything involving trains right now, sits and "reads" this book daily. He names every train (mostly after the characters in Thomas and Friends), warns them to not go too fast, and makes up little nonsensical stories. It's so cute.

I think one of the most hilarious things about him right now, besides everything I mean, is that he's the WORST backseat driver, EVER! He tells me I'm going too fast or too slow, tells me not to yell at the cars, and that the car is too hot or cold. He often does this when I'm not driving. "Nathan, Dada is driving. Tell him."

I know in just 5 months this special little person's life is going to dramatically change. I firmly believe love is not finite, but I am worried we're not up to the task of fairly loving two littles. But then I think about who he is, and how darned cute he is, I worry a lot less.

Big boy bed

Baseball and Back Fat

2010-07-26T09:15:00.006-05:00

For the second Saturday in a row, The Targo and I have been able to go out by ourselves. This Saturday, we went to the Cardinals/Cubs game at Wrigley Field. It was hot, but I was so grateful that it was only in the 80s, as compared to the 94 it was on Friday.

We went to the game with a friend of The Targo's from college, and his wife. They're absolutely awesome people. Unfortunately, we were sitting in the bleachers. This means a few things:

Everyone around you is drunk as heck
Everyone around you heckles - poorly
You can't get up, because someone will take your seat

The worst part of the day was that Tyler Colvin, the rookie outfielder for the Cubs, was throwing balls into the bleachers between innings. People were diving, elbow-shoving, and generally acting like idiots to get these balls. These weren't home run balls by Ken Griffey, Jr. or signed balls from Albert Pujols. They're just balls that the players were throwing around. At one point, Colvin threw one into the bleachers, near us, and this guy (an average-sized dude) dove for it. IN THE BLEACHERS! In doing so, he knocked down this 100-pound woman, and drenched another tiny woman with his beer. He didn't bother to apologize. Alcohol negates the need for that. This drove me NUTS, because Cubs fans are notorious for throwing opposing teams' home run balls back onto the playing field.

We were pretty tolerant with the craziness - because hey... we were in the bleachers ... that's where crazy lives. That one incident just frustrated me. To make matters a little worse, I was a crazy sunscreen applier, but managed to miss my back where my sleeveless shirt didn't quite cover, and the part in the middle of my hair. Sadly, my head hurts MUCH worse than my back.

I love going to baseball games, anywhere. The Cardinals/Cubs games are usually so fun because the towns are not that far apart and the rivalry is so historic. But, really. I'm just too darned old and too darned white to sit in the bleachers.

Inexplicably Good

2010-07-23T13:55:00.007-05:00

I woke up today with this feeling I haven't had in months, possibly a year. I don't know if it can be called relief or what, but this feeling is optimistic and good.

I've had this terrible headache for about a month. I seriously thought there was something wrong with me. It turns it out that it was just a cold, turned sinus infection, with retroactive congestion and muscle tension. But today, no headache.

The anxiety, sadness, bummed-out-ness that I've felt at work for the past three-plus years isn't here. It's just not. Nothing has happened, nothing has changed. I just feel different.

I feel good. I've got this wonderfully supportive husband, who listens to my rants and raves. I've got this adorable two year old, who just lights up my world. I've got this new little person on the way; even though I've already gained 15 pounds, I'm really excited about that.

I guess there is an explanation, but man, it's surprising.

Counsel Me

2010-07-22T14:22:00.006-05:00

Did you know that I'm 35? Apparently it's not only ridiculous (says an aunt of mine), but extremely horrible to get pregnant after 35. I only sort of kid.

I had my first prenatal appointment with the Jelly Bean on the day before my birthday. Fourteen seconds after seeing the flicker of the tiny heartbeat on the screen, my doctor says, "Okay, let's talk about this magic birthday you're having tomorrow." I cringed. I knew what was coming. "You need to see a genetic counselor."

She then went on to tell all of the reasons I needed to see a genetic counselor and how it would only be to explain our options, not to help us make decisions one way or another.

I was devastated. I wanted to glow, just for a few minutes, because we'd been trying for a while. And we were so happy. But, no.

While she was talking to me, I was thinking, "What has changed in the past three years?" I was still healthy, a non-smoker, non-drinker ... I was still me. I know that my age is a risk factor for Down Syndrome, but what about other abnormalities, syndromes or ailments? I didn't find much else related to pregnancy after 35.

Then I thought, "So what? Why do I need to see this doctor? Will it change how I feel about the baby growing inside of me?" Emphatically NO! You see, I've changed. I'm not going to tell you what to think, or how to think, but let me explain what happened to me.

I used to work at rehabilitation hospital. While working there, I was a member of an ethics consortium. One of the things that really changed my heart was a member of this group: She's a physician with osteogenesis imperfecta. We talked about the elective abortions of babies who may or may not have been disabled. Strangely, most people in this group had little difficulty with abortion in general, but when it came to abortion because of disability, it seemed like eugenics. This started my wheels turning and added to my growing faith.

So, The Targo and I made an appointment to see this doctor, but I won't be getting amniocentesis. For me, none of it matters. It doesn't matter any more than it did three years ago, when I was pregnant at 32 and could have had a child with any myriad of problems, but didn't. I didn't for one second think of the "what ifs." Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it was gratitude for the opportunity to be a mom. Three years later, I feel the same way.

Coming Out

2010-07-17T07:22:00.005-05:00

As much as I've struggled at work, there are some really amazing people here. Mostly, my immediate group of coworkers is insanely fabulous. I mean, the kind of wonderful that I don't ever dread going to work. (Being there? Now, that's another story.)

Mostly, the head of my organization (Vaguey McVague), is one of the kindest men I've ever met. I just adore him. Today, I told him about baby #2 and he was overjoyed. He's the father of three and his happiness for me (us) seemed genuine.

I'm sort of waiting for the backlash to begin. My nemesis became much more hostile to me after I announced my pregnancy (that makes it sound like it was over a PA or something, but you know what I mean). And then, she really became awful after I returned.

Right now, I'm trying to be happy. It's one of the first items of good news in mine and The Targo's family for about a year.

From a Monster

2010-07-16T10:36:00.003-05:00

Nathan has been pretending to be a monster lately. So cute.

Yesterday afternoon, I was lying on the couch, nursing my nearly incessant sinus headache.

Nathan: ROARRRRRRRRRRR!

Mommy: EEP! You scared me!

Nathan: Oh, I sorry. I a monster.

I found it adorable that even a monster knows when to apologize.

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

2010-07-08T15:02:00.004-05:00

I was going to write something all sweet and sappy... or mysterious, like I wrote three years ago. But... I feel the need to write about something good. Something so good.

We're expecting another baby! When I first calculated my due date, it looked like it was going to be the same day as Nathan's birthday. But, when I went to the doctor last month, she said I was further along than I thought. So, I'm due sometime in early/mid-January.

I'm elated, relieved, and so very blessed. The Targo and I had been trying for about 8-9 months when it worked. My cycle, which used to be 28 days to the second, somehow got fudged up. I blame the insanely long time that I breastfed Nathan. I don't know. Maybe the timing was just what it was supposed to be?

I'm sure I'll write more about this later, but I had to share.

Potty Blues

2010-07-02T12:19:00.002-05:00

Okay... those of you with boys (I don't know why this is different, but it just is) ... hear me out.

We started potty training Nathan, very gently at the beginning of April (he was about 2 years and 2 months). Things were going great. He was peeing in the potty at least once a day, responding to praise, talking about it, asking to go... GREAT, I tell you. Then, we made an impromptu trip home to visit my aunt. I forgot to bring a potty seat and didn't buy one for a couple days. Those two days? Could they have possibly reset everything?

It's been a month and he's gone to the potty maybe 3 times. If you ask him if he wants to go, says no, and sometimes cries.

The Targo and I have taken a step back and just said, he'll do it when he's ready. We still ask him every day, we talk about, we read books, but he's just not interested.

Any ideas?

About Last Week

2010-06-30T15:18:00.005-05:00

Man... Life is crazy, a roller coaster of good and bad and all that stuff in between. Last week was the perfect example of that being true.

My family lost my Aunt Pat last week, the same day that I turned 35 years old. Thirty-five? My God. I have no idea where the time has gone, or what I've accomplished in my life. But, I do know that my life was made better by knowing this lady.

This picture was taken in the late-1970s/early-1980s, when Pat was in her late-twenties or early-thirties.

She was the oldest girl, and second oldest child, in the family. She and my mom had their first kids two months and two days apart, and their second children four months and four days apart. It was a freaky coincidence, but it made us four cousins very close. My mom and my cousin (Pat's son) sat with her and held her hand for her final six hours. I'm glad they were there for her, they were there for each other, and she was a part of them.

My mom's uncle (her dad's twin brother), my great-uncle, was diagnosed with lung cancer just days after we found out that Pat's cancer was back. He felt like he was ready to go (he's 85), so chose not to fight it. Yesterday, he went into the hospital for dehydration. He'll be discharged in the next few days to a skilled nursing facility for hospice/palliative care. My mom's family, who's dealt with so much death (I guess that's from having such a large family), has rallied a bit. The fractured family, while not as close as they probably should be, has seen each other a bit over the past few months. They email daily. And now, some of them who haven't spoken in a few years, are actually talking. Sometimes it takes this, this sort of loss, to remind you of what you have in each other.

Now we're preparing for another loss. I hope its effect is similar to the one that happened last week - a catalyst that sparks the reminder of the importance of family.

Almost Time

2010-06-21T21:26:00.005-05:00

My aunt is fading. She's unresponsive and her breathing is labored. If you've got a moment or two, I'd appreciate any prayers you can spare. Her name is Pat. She is the mother of two grown children, Dusty and Keith, and the grandmother of four. She's the eldest sister to my mom... I don't know how they're all handling this.

The Value of Money

2010-06-18T12:59:00.004-05:00

We have our methods, roles that The Targo and I play in our marriage. For example, it's one of The Targo's jobs to get money from the ATM and give me a weekly allowance. It's done this way so I don't have to remember to enter the dollar amount into Quicken. And, I'm lazy. I'll go there.

So, last night, he was putting money into my wallet and Nathan saw him with the money. He said, "Dada, what is dat?"

The Targo said that it was money and began to attempt to explain money to a two-year-old. I'm pretty sure Nathan didn't hear any of it.

At the end of the complicated thesis, Nathan looked The Targo in the eye and said, "Can I eat it?"

Proper

2010-06-15T14:19:00.007-05:00

One of the things I love about having a toddler is how quickly his language is developing. I mean, this little person talks all the time, but I'm so impressed on how much he understands.

The Targo and I have never talked "baby talk" to him, except for saying mama and dada. He's come up with a lot of words on his own. Like I've said before, he calls his pacifier a "Bow" (like OW, not OH), he calls his grandpas Ti-Dah and Baca, and calls his diaper a bah-poo (we think this was a consonant issue, where he was mixing up d and b, and not able to pronounce the "er" sound).

Recently, I have become "mommy" instead of "mama," which makes me a bit sad. I'm even sadder to think about when he starts pronouncing everything correctly. Especially the following:

Mee - Knee...
Peeba - Pizza (he's starting to say pizza most of the time)
And talking about himself in the third person when he gets mad. "Mama, Nathan hurt my mee!"

Why do they have to grow up so fast?

Hostile

2010-06-14T07:02:00.009-05:00

The hardest thing about being me (which isn't really that hard) right now is work. I don't want to get fired because I wrote about work on the interweb, but man... can a girl vent?

I have a nemesis.

This person has strongly disliked me since the day we met. Normally, I'd be all "What the heck ever," but I haven't been able to achieve that level of zen in this case. There are several reasons, but let me give you a little background.

When I started and was introduced to this person, she asked everyone else in the room, as if I wasn't there, what made me qualified for my job. Because you know, I'm a rocket scientist and need Ivy League credentials, or something. I was like, okay... From that point on, nearly every interaction I had with this person was antagonistic. I would present at meetings, and she would ask me why I didn't do things like the person who previously held my job (and left a year before I started). I would just shrug and move on. If I ever presented a possible trend, or something inexact, she'd tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about.

The public humiliation, while great fun (sarcasm!), wasn't the worst. I had been at my job about 9 months, I finally received the training I was promised at my hiring (so that I could do the things the previous person had done). Times were peaceful, for a short while. Then, I found out I was pregnant. I started working with my organization to transition back after maternity leave by working from home. All of my superiors were completely supportive of this. Except the one who wasn't (she has never been, nor will she ever be, my boss). So, I prepared extensively for leave, went on leave, began working from home 12 weeks later, and transitioned back to the office shortly after that - as was agreed upon 4 months before I left. Every meeting I had where this person was in attendance, she made a comment about how I didn't really work "here."

When I was back for good, the antagonism began in earnest. I was told that she made two concerted attempts to get me fired because I didn't know sh*t. (Forgive me. I heard this from my direct supervisor.) Since that time, she's called me stupid to many people and to my face, well, she vacillates between mean, belittling, and pretending I'm not there.

None of this qualifies for an actually "hostile" work environment. It just fits into this paradigm. (Please see the link and read the quick summary.) But, this person, my nemesis, keeps getting promoted. Her meanness and unprofessionalism seem to be rewarded, whereas people like myself (and I am not alone) are left to wonder what it is that we actually did to deserve this. I still have no answers.

This basic history (which doesn't include all of the personal remarks she's made to me, because they require too much contextualization) is to ask you, when do you say when? I've really been struggling with this the past few months. The interactions ebb and flow, and honestly, the majority of them are the level of microinsults. But really, why?

So, I talked to my supervisor the other day (one of a million such talks) and said that all I really wanted was for her to stop calling me stupid, and to treat me like a human being. In essence, for her to be professional. It's not going to happen. What happens when I decide I can't take it anymore and I either blow the hell up, or I walk out the door? God help me. I hope neither of those happen, because she'll, in effect, win.

I admit it. I'm just ridiculously offended by people who don't treat others with kindness and respect. I know if this was someone else, someone other than me whose day-to-day life was a roller coaster dependent on how this one person treated her that day, I would stand up! I would fight for her. But for me? Not so much. I wonder if at some level I think "maybe she's right and I have no idea what I'm doing."

This was a long post of venting and introspection and I beg your indulgence of my "woe is me" in such a time as this. I have a job! I have a roof over my head! Be grateful! Yet, she wins a little bit every day because my joy (I love this gig) is being stolen. Even worse, I take this home. I have to stop that. While she might have some ability to decide my fate here, I give her the power to make me feel bad. Forget that! I have to turn over a new leaf, here and now. She's not going to win!

Oh, hi!

2010-06-11T15:01:00.001-05:00

Really? I am still around. I keep trying to write about the 8 million things that are going on in my life, but I don't have the words. Most of it is mediocre, but a lot is sucky. But then, there are those two wonderful guys... so, that's a lot of good.

Thank you to those of you who've written me, messaged me on Facebook, and just cared. I know that this is temporary and I'm so trying to get out of this rut, the one that isn't entirely bad.

Memoriam

2010-05-31T22:01:00.002-05:00

I don't have a military family, but I have family members who have served one way or another. My youngest brother was in the Illinois National Guard for 8 years, and my mom's brothers have all served in peacetime.

But, that doesn't prevent me from thinking about the men and women whose sacrifices have granted us so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to the soldiers, as well as their families who gift them to us so that we might sleep a little more soundly tonight.

As someone who works in law enforcement, I see these same sorts of souls do this on a daily basis. The people on the front lines who rush into danger to get you out... even when you're cursing and spitting on them, or if they don't know you. So, I believe we should not only honor those who serve so diligently in the U.S. Armed Forces, but also those who serve us in our own back yard. I find that their daily sacrifice, while not being concerned with roadside bombs and AEDs, is true. Thank you too.

Am Still Alive

2010-05-28T15:24:00.002-05:00

Just tired, stressed, but doing okay.

I hope you all have a beautiful Memorial Day weekend.

Painting by Lee Teeter

Count It All Joy

2010-05-10T15:00:00.005-05:00

So, I've been having a hard time as of late. I was just saying to Amy that if I didn't write about those times, I probably wouldn't write at all. Times are not that tough; I'm just that tired.

I'm trying to recount all of the good things that have been happening over these past few months. But for some reason I have a hard time remembering or seeing what it might be. I am not trying to imply that I'm depressed, because it's not that. I'm just worn out. We're so crazy, we're so busy, we're so overwhelmed. I have to remind myself to stop, slow down, and take in the really important things in life.

I feel blessed to have this... And really, right now, this is all that matters.

Contrast

2010-05-04T06:17:00.002-05:00

Sunday evening, I was driving to visit my friend, Jen, who is about two weeks before her due date. She's one of the most beautiful, awesome, fabulous people I know. Her daughter and Nathan are just six months apart. And her family only lives two miles from us...

Anyway ... short story. I'm driving to see Jen and give her a baby gift. I've taken to praying a lot while I drive because one day, I said something really awful and Nathan repeated it. (And I mean, REALLY awful.) So, I'm praying and listening to praise music while I'm driving. This car pulled up next to me and I kid you not, every other word in this song was Mother-#$!!*&*&!

I was listening to music to bring me closer to God and grant me some peace in traffic - a huge struggle for me. What was this guy's music speaking into him?

My Joy

2010-05-03T08:57:00.002-05:00

The Targo captured this while Nathan was laughing. This picture, it's so typical of these two men in my life. The Joy they have in life, the Joy they have in each other, and the joy they bring me.

This is what's brightening my Monday morning.

Turn About

2010-04-30T06:00:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about this blog lately. We've had months of sadness and not a lot of fun or funny stuff to report. I feel like everything I write about Nathan is tempered with the bad, or somewhat bad things, that are going on in my life. I don't know if I want to continue to write about these things, but I do want to continue to write. I mean, my gosh, Nathan... I feel compelled to share some of these things with you who cheered me through my pregnancy and those early infant days. You cheered me like you knew me, like I was someone important to you.

Things I'm thinking:

I want to write more about parenting. Being a full-time working parent (outside of the home) is really difficult. We're hoping for some changes in our lives in the next year or so, but until then, it helps me to write about the challenges and to count my blessings in text.
I want to take more photos. I live in a really remarkable city that's peppered with people and architecture that represent just about every culture in the world. I think some of these people and things don't get their five minutes. Is that where I want to go with my blog?
I'm trying to become more frugal. When The Targo and I got married, he not only got me, but he got a whole lot of debt with me. We've paid off everything except my student loans. And really, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die with those over my head. Anyway, although we live in a really expensive neighborhood in an expensive city, we still manage to do pretty much whatever we want to do. I've learned so many lessons on frugal but fun living and I totally want to share.
This last year has been sort of bad for me and my family. I'm contemplating two things: deleting the posts like they didn't exist, or moving to a new blog. A fresh start.

So, yeah. These are some of the things going on in my ridiculous head. Typing them out in a fabulous bullet-pointed list has helped me. But then again, I like lists. They complete me.

Patchwork

2010-04-29T12:01:00.005-05:00

So, I've been meaning to update all week. But really, life (LIFE) is so crazy and hectic that it's almost impossible to sit down and think, let alone write about what's going on.

My family visited my parents and my ailing aunt this weekend. It was a really special visit for a couple of reasons. I got to see my aunt, who is so sadly, failing. But I got to see her. I got to tell her that I loved her and and cheering for her. My aunt is very very thin and had recently shaved her head, rather than tolerate the clumps of hair falling out. Nathan was afraid of her at first, but when we left, this kind, gentle and tactile little boy went up and hugged her like she had long held a spot in his heart.

Alexi is beautiful. He's a tiny peanut of a baby, but just perfect. I found out last night that he's suffering from thrush. So, they're working through that.

My parents are doing well, despite all of the stress that comes with having sick loved ones. My mom is holding this sadness to herself. I've been trying to encourage her, but again, have realized that my solutions may not work for her. She did commit to spend a weekend with my aunt while my cousin and her family visit her husband's family. I think this is positive. I hope too that my mom will carry this visit with her after my aunt passes away, whether it's 2 months from now, or 20 years.

Rumination

2010-04-23T15:54:00.009-05:00

Our whole family (you know, all three of us) will be visiting my aunt and meeting baby Alexi. I'm pretty psyched. Maybe that's the wrong word. I'm glad to spend time with my family, even the ones who have put me on their "Do No Like" list. That's okay. I'll just love them that much more.

I'm not sure how my aunt is doing. No one really seems to talk about it. But, I know her spirits are good and that she's a fighter. I know that she's surrounded by people who love her with every breath. I know that my cousin's husband is a very kind man, who has taken to first-time fatherhood and newly acquired sandwich generation responsibilities, like he was born for them.

I am also excited to share this person, this amazing little person, who steals hearts with his hearty smile and big blue eyes, with my family. Some of them have never met him, despite our only living 4 hours away. Others haven't seen him for about a year and a half, and he's changed just a bit since then.

He's no longer a squishy, bald baby, but this little boy with opinions and words, who never stops moving. EVER.

On another of things we're pondering, Nathan is potty training and it's going great! He asks to go to the potty every day when we get home from work. He's successfully peed in the potty four times (a great ratio for the short amount of time he's been trying). I'm ridiculously optimistic. Feel free to bring me down to earth.

I think this is cold #256364 this year

2010-04-20T09:34:00.001-05:00

I live with a Petri dish. That is all.

The Time I ...

2010-04-13T10:48:00.009-05:00

Let me tell you how I'm making everyone mad at me.

The Time I ... started a family feud on Facebook. So, this relative of mine and I have completely different world views. He would consider me extremely conservative, but I totally disagree. I think I'm personally conservative, but most of my opinions are pretty moderate, and many lean to the left (on the political spectrum). Having said that, there are definitely things that I believe are wrong and things that I believe are right.

Back to the story...

In the interest of full disclosure, I've already spoken to the parties involved, and have expressed (and will continue to express) my opinions to them openly. I don't pretend to have all the answers (probably less than 6%), but this is just something I don't understand.

I was leaving a message on a relative's profile and I noticed that she had "Married" as her relationship status, but had interesting things in her "Looking for" category. Most people have "networking" or "friendship." But my married relative had that she was looking for a relationship, dating, random play, or "whatever I can get." I was really disturbed. Really. This person is a lovely young woman. She was previously married at a very young age. That marriage ended when she cheated on her spouse. At that point, her father said to me "she should have had that conversation with her husband before they were married, telling him how things would be." I was aghast! They got married in a church. They had a covenant! If it wasn't to God, it was still to each other. But, that's how things would be?

This relative of mine, her father, has been married and divorced twice. He's been engaged an additional time. Both of those marriages produced a child. All of these relationships have ended as a result of his view of marital fidelity. It has been, and will forever be, okay for him to sleep with whomever he wants to ... and if he wants a relationship, or two, on the side, that's fine too. So what if it affects his children? In fact, this relative is currently in an open relationship with a young woman who is two years younger than his daughter. I am concerned that he'll marry this young girl and have another child with her, only to find out that this "open relationship plan" doesn't really work over time.

So I posted on Facebook the following:

Is anyone else horrified by the married people on Facebook who put "dating"
in their "Looking for" category?

This relative posted a comment saying, "I know you won't understand but it can be a choice."

I really don't understand. My thinking is if you feel this way, why would you get married? Am I totally off base on this? Should I have more of a "live and let live" attitude? Maybe so. All I can think of is how this relative has messed up the lives of the women he's been married to, and how his children will grow up without an understanding of what a healthy relationship is.

And It's Today

2010-04-12T15:55:00.009-05:00

Today. *sigh* Today is one of those days that I hope to prepare for every year, and yet, every year I'm scrambling, and failing, and floundering, and my gosh.

Today is The Targo's birthday. He's a ripe old thirty-three. And my word, he is... well, he's everything. And I can't figure out how to express it.

I'm big into birthdays. BIG! I always tell the Targo that I don't need Christmas or Valentine's presents, but to do something nice for me on my birthday. I feel even more that way now that I'm getting freaking old.

But this isn't about me, is it? No no no. It's about that man. That man. The Targo.

I've been trying to figure out what to get him for at least a month. I've been racking my brain, asking Amazon, looking, seeking. Bah! Why does he have such expensive tastes! He just bought a new camera, so I couldn't get him that.

Today I found it. It's not the most creative gift in the world, but it's so him. (It's a nerdy book, but I'll reveal it tomorrow, just in case he reads this. I'm not even sure he remembers I have a blog. Heck, most of the time I don't remember I have a blog.)

It's taken me all day, but I've realized that what he wants, what he needs, is my love and support. He's got a lot of pressures (we all do, I know) and I'm not the most supportive person to him. I may talk a good game, and I truly am his biggest fan, but I fall into that trap of nagging and patronizing behavior. I'm not saying he's perfect; I'm just saying that instead of tearing him down, I need to build him up. Like he does to me.

Today I'm thinking about this man, the one in the pictures. The one who rushes home every day to spend those short hours with Nathan and me. The one who frets over the bank accounts every day and tries to figure out how we can afford a new car, a home of our own, or just a simple family vacation. Somehow he makes it all work.

Today I realized that all I need to get him for his birthday is a whole lot of love and encouragement. Words of affirmation affect him more than anything else I can do. Because that's how he's wired.

And me... I'm insane about him.

Today... today. I'm going to remind him that he's my happily ever after. I hope it makes up for the book I got him.

Happy birthday, Yo-Yo.